Lord of the Stakes
by Cloud93
Summary: The Sunnydale crowd star in a "Lord of the Rings" movie parody.
1. Welcome to the Dale

Title:  Lord of the Stakes

Author:  Cloud9

Summary:  Buffy finds a powerful magic ring.  She forms a fellowship, and journeys to the Hellmouth to throw it in (The ring, not the fellowship).

Rating:  PG 13.  No wait, lemme make it R just to be safe.  There's mild swearing you see.  And the corniest sexual innuendo you'll find outside of a guy's locker room.

Time Frame:  It's an alternate dimension, but I started writing this just after "Once More with Feeling", and finished it around "Doublemeat Palace", so it's based around there.

Disclaimer:  None of it's mine, it's Joss Whedon's and Christopher Tolkien's and Peter Jackson's and other people I've forgotten to mention.  Don't let that stop you from sending me money.  I'll make sure the appropriate people get it.  Really.  (Insert Anya smile here.)

Author's Note:  Maybe it was the waiting for the new "Lord of the Rings" movie, but the whole idea of putting the "Buffy" characters in the "Fellowship of the Ring" movie just seemed appealing.  I really love these characters, so any crap I put them through is just good-natured fun.  Also, I know it's long, but as you can see I'm a rambler.  Hopefully a funny rambler.

Feedback:  Bring it on!  It's my first fanfic, so I have to know whether to write more or uninstall my Word program forever.  So get feeding or backing, whatever.  Please.  

Previously on Buffy:

VO. OF ONE OF THE CHARACTERS:   One Slayer to slay them all

                                                                    One Watcher to find them

                                                                    One Witch to magick them all

                                                                    And a bunch of others to hide behind them

In an age long ago, the age of the Second Season, some smartass magical type person decided to forge a bunch of rings of great power, just the kind of magical objects that bad guys will end up using for their own evil ends.  They were given out to various kings and queens and rulers in general, who were told to keep them safe from evil.  But in the depths of the Hellmouth, the evil Master/Mayor/Adam/Glorificus/Insert-Current-Big-Bad's-Name-Here forged their own ring, which could control the others.  A great big bloody war broke out as the Master/Mayor/Adam/Glorificus/Insert-Current-Big-Bad's-Name-Here tried to enslave the world.  Some humans and good creatures decided to band together and offered resistance.  A spectacular Final Battle took place.

(The Battle Scene should be represented by a close-up of three people fighting a couple of demons, with the sounds of clangs and screams in the background.  This will save money necessary for the more important stuff – Buffy's wardrobe. ) 

The good guys won of course, with the slayer at the time lopping off the Master's/Mayor's/Adam's/Glory's/Insert-Current-Big-Bad's Name-Here's ring finger, and defeating him/her/it. 

(Bloodless shot of a finger being lopped off, since this _is_ family viewing.) 

The slayer had a chance to destroy the Ring forever, but that would mean no plot for the entire next season, so she didn't.  She kept it, but the Ring deceived her and she was killed on the way to a jeweller to get it appraised.

(Nameless extra with arrow in back floats about.)

History became legend, legend became myth, and some things that should not have been forgotten (except by addicted fans who speculated endlessly on what might happen) were lost.  The Ring got bored of sitting at the bottom of the river however, and decided to find itself some action.  It allowed itself to be found.

(A well-manicured, black nail-polished hand picks up the Ring, and a female, cockney, mad voice is heard saying "My Precious".)

The Ring began speaking to the creature through a doll, and thus corrupted it. But then something the Ring hadn't counted on happened.  A most unlikely creature found it.

(While the cockney sucks a museum guard's blood, the Ring falls out and rolls away, hoping to be found by the most corruptible of people, a bored schoolkid on a museum fieldtrip.  Instead it is found by a blonde middle-aged woman.)

JOYCE:  Oh look, a priceless gold ring.  It must have fallen out of one of the display cases.  Let me do what any decent museum employee would do, take it home and keep it myself.

VO.:  More time passed, but since it's been about ten minutes into the prologue and Buffy hasn't even appeared, we'll skip that and finally start the damn episode.  We find ourselves in the peaceful (except for all the demons and vampires) village of Sunnydale or The Dale as it is known.

(A cart being driven by a wise man with glasses pulls into view, passing a sign saying "WELCOME TO SUNNYDALE:  THIS WEEK'S POPULATION 14 866".  An unbelievably small person wearing strange clothing appears at the side of the road.)

BUFFY:  Major latetitude Giles, it's already ten minutes into the prologue, and the theme music hasn't even played.         

GILES:  I wouldn't talk about being late Buffy Baggins, anyway a watcher is never late.  They always show up exactly on time, right after all the vampires have been slain and it's safe.

(Buffy grins at the wise watcher Giles the Grey, and jumps him, sorry, jumps _on_ him and gives him a hug.  Giles hugs back, in a fatherly sort of way of course.  There is no time for dialogue as we cut to the next scene.  Joyce is celebrating her birthday and addressing all her friends, all three of them who haven't been killed)

JOYCE:  I have truly loved living here on the Dale, especially since I have shares in the only funeral home in town.  Now let me do what you all have been wishing I'd do for the last five years and disappear.

(Joyce disappears, but since this is Sunnydale, nobody cares.  She reappears back at her house.)

BUFFY:  Mom, you disappeared, and I thought you might have been taken to another dimension.

JOYCE:  No, just turning invisible with my ring.

BUFFY:  How out of character of you.  Have you got a brain tumour?  Are you going to die?

JOYCE:  Don't be ridiculous dear, people don't die of natural causes in the Dale.  Just because I've been here five years and haven't had my name on the main credits doesn't mean I'm going to die.

BUFFY:  That's a relief, since I'm economically incompetent.

JOYCE:  I'm being typecast however, and have decided to leave the Dale for good, and go to Rivendull.  The house and magical ring is yours.  Take care of your brother dear.

BUFFY:  Sister mom, sister.

JOYCE:  That's right, little Don.  Goodbye.

(Joyce picks up her stick with a bag tied to it, and walks out.  Giles walks in.)

GILES:  Has your mother left?  Oh cripes, one of the few women I've shagged gone.  She called me Rupie you know

BUFFY:  Eeew, disgusting mental image of my mother and father figure doing the nasty!

GILES:  On that very table you're sitting at as a matter of fact.

BUFFY:  EEEWWW!!

GILES:  Hmm, unusual ring…

BUFFY:  Yeah, mom left it for me.  I figure it's gold or something, but since I failed science at high school, I wouldn't know.

GILES:  Intriguing.

BUFFY:  Well, a Wakkawakka demon attacked when I was supposed to be writing the exam.

GILES:  I mean the ring.  May I examine it?

BUFFY:  Here.  With mom gone I'm so glad you're here Giles, I don't know what I would do if you were to leave.

GILES:  I've got to leave.  Keep the ring safe.  Goodbye Buffy, take care of Dennie.

(Giles rides off to the Magick Box, and looks in his many books.  His face becomes even more bemused and serious than it usually is.)

GILES:  Good Lord, I must warn Buffy.

(He rides back to Buffy's house, who has just come back from slaying a two metre tall Punani Demon.)

GILES:  Buffy, throw the ring into the fire.

(Buffy throws the ring into the fire where it melts.)

BUFFY:  There goes the antique wedding ring that used to belong to my grandmother.

GILES:  The other ring, the one that turns people invisible.

(She throws the ring in, and writing appears on its surface.)

BUFFY:  What strange and mysterious writing is that Giles?

GILES:  That is English, something you would have known had you gone to school once in a while.

BUFFY:  Slayers never have time for education, that's why they die so young, unemployed and unable to buy food.

GILES:  This is the One Ring.  It is evil.  Bad guys called  Dark Riders will be after you.

BUFFY:  The story of my life.

GILES:  Do not let them catch you, for no mortal weapon can harm them.  You must sneak away from the Dale, and go to an inn close to my heart, the Inn of the Prancing Pommie.  I will meet you there.

BUFFY:  Aren't you coming with me?

GILES:  With the Dark Riders after you?  No way, I'll be going back to the Watcher Council where it's safe…I mean, to find out more about the Ring.

BUFFY:  But how will the show's witty and clever dialogue take place if I go alone?

GILES:  You're right, you need someone to accompany you.

(Giles goes to the window and pulls a puffy hobbit inside.)

GILES:  Xander Gamgee, what were you doing there?

XANDER:  Construction work of course.  What else would I be doing?  Perving over Buffy?  Waiting for everybody to leave so I can check the fridge?

GILES:  Listening in to our top secret conversation perhaps.

XANDER:  Definitely not.  Anyway how top secret can it be, you two have been talking loud enough to wake the dead.

(A bunch of woken up vampires appear and Buffy slays them all.  Giles turns towards Xander with a stern gaze.)

GILES:  You will have to go with Buffy to The Prancing Pommie.  Guard her well young Xander.

BUFFY:  Him guard me?  That wimp?  I could take him blindfolded and using my pinky finger.

XANDER:  Hey!

(Buffy closes her eyes and knocks Xander unconscious using her pinky finger.)

GILES:  Go Buffy, time is of the essence.  We have only forty-five minute episodes.

(Buffy picks up Xander and the ring and runs off.  Giles gazes anxiously at her retreating figure.)

GILES:  I suppose I should have given her directions on where to go now, shouldn't I?

(Theme music.  Opening Credits.  Finally.  Buffy and Xander are walking through a cornfield.  They are being attacked by wasps.  Buffy is expertly staking the wasps while Xander is using the clever technique of letting them sting him until they are tired.)

XANDER:  Why are we trekking through a cornfield anyway?

BUFFY:  Because it is dangerous to take the road.  Mom told me never to hitchhike.

XANDER:  I'd rather be facing a group of hungry vampires than these wasps.

(The wasps suddenly disappear and a group of hungry vampires jump out.  Buffy slays them all in half a minute, and the wasps return.)

XANDER:  The multiple wasp bites are beginning to make me dizzy.  Let's stop and have a rest.

(Xander and Buffy stop, and Xander takes out a sub from his bag.  As he chows on it Buffy motions for him to keep quiet.)

BUFFY:  My Slayer-sense is warning me we're not alone.

XANDER:  Of course we're not alone, we have a swarm of wasps with us.  And we have each other.  So we can't ever really be alone, we're always together…

BUFFY:  Sshh, I'll take care of this.

(Buffy takes out her stake and stalks through the corn.  Catching the intruders by surprise, she grabs one of them and swings her stake.)

DAWN:  Stop Buffy, it's me!

(The point of Buffy's stake stops inches from Dawn Took's heart, much to the annoyance of Xander, who never liked the little twit anyway.  Buffy picks her up by her hair.)

BUFFY:  Dawn, you almost got yourself killed!  Sneaking around a cornfield like that.  Alone!!

DAWN:  I'm not a kid anymore Buffy, and I wasn't alone, I was with Willow.

(From behind a scarecrow appears Willow Brandybuck.  Buffy glares at her suspiciously.)

WILLOW:  Oh hi Buffy and Xander.

BUFFY:  What were you doing with my young impressionable sister out here in the middle of a cornfield??

WILLOW:  I was just teaching her some witchy stuff, things like summoning evil monsters, raising zombies, and bringing plague and pestilence to the world.

BUFFY:  As long as you weren't teaching her to be gay or anything.

DAWN:  Willow just taught me this cool spell to bring about Armageddon with just a monkey hand, Belladonna root, and a Mars bar.

(A shout is heard from nearby.  It is Farmer Maggot, so named because he is one.)

BUFFY:  It's Farmer Maggot after us.

WILLOW:  He's shouting something about one of use having stolen his crops.

DAWN:  Now who would do a thing like that?

XANDER:  Crunch, Beatsh me, swallow.

BUFFY:  Let's get out of here.

(They run until they roll down a hill and end up on a road.)

XANDER:  Oh look, a road.

BUFFY:  With some mushrooms next to it.

WILLOW:  Are they Bloodbutton mushrooms, which make a great sleeping potion?

XANDER:  Are they edible mushrooms?

DAWN:  Are they magic mushrooms?

(As Xander eats the mushrooms, Willow gathers them up, and Dawn licks them, Buffy hears the sound of horses.  She looks down the road and shudders.)

BUFFY:  Guys, something's coming.  Get off the road!

(They hide under a fallen trunk.  Some riders, dressed in sinister black hoods.  They actually look evil, possibly because their faces are hidden, and they have no corny make-up jobs.  One of the riders sniffs.)

XANDER:  Damn, I knew I should've put on some deodorant this morning.

(Something strange is happening.  Buffy's finger is being inexorably drawn towards the ring.  As the Dark Rider sniffs, the ring gets closer to her finger.  The others see what's happening and Willow slaps Buffy.)

BUFFY:  Thanks, I needed that.

WILLOW:  I always wanted to do that.

DAWN:  The monster is leaning over the tree trunk, it's going to find us.

(To distract the Dark Riders Xander throws something, namely Dawn, away from their hiding place.  As the Dark Riders turn and go towards the sound, the hobbits run.  The Dark Riders set off after them.)

XANDER:  We don't have a shot against them, they're on horseback and we're on foot.

WILLOW:  I'll take care of that.

(She whispers some magical sounding words and they are teleported to a stream.  Unfortunately she teleports the Dark Riders as well.)

BUFFY:  Quick, onto the ferry, they won't dare cross the water.

WILLOW:  Why, are they scared of it?

BUFFY:  No, cause it comes from the Dale's sewage system.

(As they board the ferry, Dawn comes running twigs and mushrooms in hair, somehow managing to pass the Dark Riders.)

DAWN:  Wait for me guys!

(She takes a flying leap and lands up in the water.  But she grabs hold of the ferry as it sails away.  The Dark Riders stop at the water, shaking their mailed fists at the departing ferry.)

XANDER:  That was close.

DAWN:  Um, guys, a little help here! Guys!  Guys?

(While the hobbits make their way towards The Prancing Pommie, Giles enters the gates of Isenbored.  He goes straight to the head watcher, a slim nerdy man with dark hair, and better taste in clothes than Giles.  It is Wesley the White.)

GILES:  Wesley, I have grave news.  The One Ring is free and the Master/Mayor/Adam/Glorificus/Insert-Current-Big-Bad's-Name-Here is after it.

WESLEY:  I know Rupert, he/she/it told me.

GILES:  Good Lord, you have spoken with the main villain?

WESLEY:  Yes, I have.  I have decided to betray you, all of the watchers are with me.

GILES:  But why?

WESLEY:  Why?  Why?  How do you think it feels always being second to you?  I am younger, relatively better-looking, and better-dressed than you, yet _you_ are considered greater than me.

GILES:  I think I am actually handsomer than you in a mature older man sort of way.  But the part about me being thought of as greater than you is absurd.

WESLEY:  Is it?  You are the Slayer's watcher, and what do I get?  The spinoff!  Where the green horned guy gets better lines than me!

GILES:  Watchers don't get clever lines, it's part of the watcher code to be dry at all times.

WESLEY:  Shut up and fight me you pansy little git!

(A watcher battle takes place, with each wimpy Brit trying to slap each other.  It is about as exciting and dangerous as a weather report.  Two minutes of wussy fighting later a voice rings out.)

FAITH:  I can't take any more of this crap.

(Out steps a bitch in black.  It is Faith, who is on the side of evil.  She decapitates Wesley with a very big sword.) 

FAITH:  That Wesley was too pathetic to be a bad guy.  I'm taking over.  Come one Rupert, you scared to take me on?

(Giles is actually a little scared, but being the good watcher that he is, takes her on.  Faith is an mean slaying machine however, and easily beats his British ass in record time.)

FAITH:  With enemies like you, it's going to be a piece of cake taking over the world.  Instead of killing you, I'll keep you imprisoned on the top of the tower.  That'll make you suffer.  Plus, I need a sex slave, and good-looking Brits are wicked sexy.

(Faith laughs evilly, and Giles is taken up to the top of the tower.  A thousand or so miles away, the hobbits arrive at The Prancing Pommie.)

BUFFY:  Here we are at the inn.  Let's go inside and warm ourselves up.

BOUNCER:  You can't come in here.

XANDER:  Why, is there a cover charge or something?

BOUNCER:  You three can come in, but I want to see her ID.

DAWN:  Hey, I'm older than I look you know!

BOUNCER:  Not you, _her_.

(He points to Buffy.  She is getting that look in her eyes she gets when she is about to turn a vampire to dust.  Willow steps in and casts a spell.)

BOUNCER:  You can come right in.  be careful with that step there, you don't want to break a hip.

BUFFY:  What did you do?

WILLOW:  I made you appear older.

BUFFY:  How much older?

WILLOW:  Um, about sixty or so.

XANDER:  You actually don't look that bad for an old-timer.  You could pass as fifty-five any day.

BUFFY:  Willow, you can reverse the spell now.

WILLOW:  You sort of have to wait until it wears off.

(Dawn, excited at being in a place which sells alcohol goes to the bar.  Buffy looks for Giles.)

BUFFY:  Weird, he's not here.  Maybe he's up in a rented room or something.  Excuse me?

BARMAN:  Yes ma'am?

BUFFY:  I'm not a ma'am, I'm only twenty-one.  Anybody been here called Giles?  Prissy looking, English accent? 

BARMAN:  No ma'am.  Would you like some prune juice?

(The people at the bar are quite surprised to see a little old woman hurl the barkeeper through a window.  She returns to the table where the others have discovered delightful things known as shooters.)

XANDER:  Any luck?

BUFFY:  No, I think you'd better give me one of those.  People still think I'm old.

XANDER:  I meant about Giles.

BUFFY:  He hasn't been here.  We're on our own.

WILLOW:  Good, that means we won't be sent on some dangerous quest.  

BUFFY:  Where's Dawn?

XANDER:  She's over there talking to those sinister-looking guys.

DAWN:  Sure I know a Buffy, she's my sister.  She's right over there.

BUFFY:  That complete idiot.  I must stop her.  I can't let those guys walk around thinking Buffy is a sixty-year old.

(Buffy runs over to dawn, but trips over Xander's outstretched leg.  In a bizarre twist, the Ring flies up and lands on her finger and she turns invisible.  Fancy-Schmancy special effects, but not too fancy-schmancy, we are on a budget.  Some of the people in the bar gasp in horror, but most have been to Sunnydale so they don't even notice.  Buffy is miffed to see the other hobbits haven't even noticed she's gone.  She is also miffed to see that the Nightriders are very close to The Prancing Pommie, and that she is being observed by a giant eye.)

BUFFY:  Gross, that thing could at least use eyedrops!

(She pulls off the Ring.)

WILLOW:  Buffy, where were you?

BUFFY:  I turned invisible using the Ring and saw the evil blackhooded riders as well as a giant disgusting eye.

DAWN:  You turned invisible?  That is so cool! 

XANDER:  My secret fantasy.  I would be able to sneak into…

WILLOW+XANDER:  The girl's locker room!

(Wistful expressions on their faces as they imagine the good they could do while invisible.  A shadow looms behind them.  Buffy turns, stake at the ready.  Standing there, dressed all in black leather, is a brooding, spiky-haired man.  Tall, dark and handsome, he is surrounded by an aura of mystery.  Buffy feels her heart go kachunk, kachunk.)

ANGEL:  I've never known a Slayer to turn invisible.  Not very wise if you're trying to keep a low profile.

BUFFY:  Low profiles don't get you good movie deals.  Give me one reason not to stake you.

ANGEL:  Hot and sweaty sex.

BUFFY:  You think I'm that shallow?  You're right.

ANGEL:  My name is Strider, real name Angellus, or Angel for short.  I'm here to fulfil an important role: Sexy male lead.

XANDER:  Hey, what about me?

(Without even turning to face him, Angel manages to throw Xander into the bar counter.  He stares into Buffy's eyes, broodingly.)

ANGEL:  Giles hasn't been here and he won't be any time soon.  I must take you to Rivendull and keep you safe.

BUFFY:  Keep _me _safe?  I stopped the end of the world six times.  Why should we trust you?

ANGEL:  Hot, sweaty sex.

BUFFY:  Good enough for me.  Let's get pissed.

(They drink copious amounts of ale.  At the Watcher's council, Giles is imprisoned on top of the tower, exhausted and smoking a cigarette.  Faith is also on top of the tower, wearing Giles' shirt.)

FAITH:  God, that was amazing.

GILES:  I'd heard stories of Slayers being limber, but I never expected…

FAITH:  And Brits are supposed to be bad lovers, what a load of shit.

GILES:  Family show, no swearing.

FAITH:  Whatever.  I'm going to go down and instruct my vampire minions to construct weapons of war and destruction.  I'll be back soon to 'torture' you.  I'll bring back some whips and chains from the torture chamber.

(Faith goes down the tower leaving her prisoner.  Giles searches for his underwear and finds it is hanging off a gargoyle a few stories below.)

GILES:  Darn, my favourite pair.  Calvin Kleins as well.

(There is a ching as a tidy product placement sum is deposited into his bank account, even though Giles would never wear Clavin Kleins.)

GILES:  I suppose I should try to escape from here and help Buffy.  But that would mean no more sex slavery.  Should I face an unstoppable force of evil or should I try and help Buffy?  Hmmm…Brunette twenty-year old hot Slayer, or blonde twenty-year old hot Slayer?

(Giles realises he has just said this out loud and puts his stuffy-English-academic-who-has-nothing-but-fatherly-feelings-towards-Buffy face on.  He walks around looking for a way to escape a ten storey high tower.  A little moth flies around Giles' head.  He squashes it.)

GILES:  How am I supposed to think with that blasted thing flapping around?

(A giant moth demon appears, angered by the squishing of its mothling swoops down, grabs Giles in its mandibles and flies off.  Now that that's out of the way, a bunch of Dark Riders reach The Prancing Pommie.  They ominously go up the stairs, swords drawn.  They silently enter a room.  They stab the occupied beds.  They let out a shriek of rage as they pull back the covers.  They have just killed an innocent family.  Probably because they went into the wrong room.  They idiotically don't bother to check next door.  Meanwhile next door, the hobbits have been awoken by the commotion.)

BUFFY:  Keep the noise down!  I've got a headache.

ANGEL:  Possibly because of the huge amount of alcohol you drank.

BUFFY:  Ale bad…

WILLOW:  How come you don't have a hangover?  You drank just as much as we did.

ANGEL:  Probably because I'm a vampire.

BUFFY+XANDER+WILLOW:  GASP!!

DAWN:  Cool, can I see your fangs?

BUFFY:  Dawn!  Vampires are dangerous, not cool.

(Xander is about to say something about Buffy's whole vampire fetish when he catches sight of her stake.  He shuts up.  They go off on their way, having apparently forgotten that Angel just told them he was a vampire.  Morning comes.)

DAWN:  Wow, this is hard going for us non Slayery, Vampirish types.

XANDER:  When are we going to stop for breakfast?

ANGEL:  We already had breakfast.  You had some ham sandwiches from the pig I drained.

XANDER:  I mean second breakfast.  

ANGEL:  Second breakfast?

XANDER:  Yeah, after that comes elevensies, lunch, tea, dinner and supper.

BUFFY:  You eat that much food?  That explains a lot.

XANDER:  A lot about what?  What are you implying?

BUFFY:  Nothing, just making an observation.

XANDER:  An observation about what??  Are you saying I'm fat?

BUFFY:  I didn't say a word.

XANDER:  I'll have you know I'm the ideal weight for my size.  Besides I don't hear you saying anything about brooding toothy guy over there.  How can you get that way just drinking blood anyway?

WILLOW:  Actually I hear blood's very fattening.

ANGEL:  For that comment Xander, I'd suck your blood, but then I'd really need a diet.

XANDER:  I'll have you know I was in the military!  I can take you on any day of the week.

(The girls manage to placate both of them by offering a bucket of chicken and a bucket of pig's blood respectively.  They go on walking.)

WILLOW:  I've got a question Angel.  If you're a vampire, how come you can walk around in broad daylight?

(They all look up and see it's indeed the middle of the day.)

ANGEL:  Easy.  Sunscreen.  Remember kids, the only way to avoid cancer is to use a high factor sunscreen.  Brought to you by the Sunnydale Foundation for the Prevention of Diseases of the Skin.

WILLOW:  Sunscreen?  That makes no sense.  Why wouldn't other vampires use it?

ANGEL:  That's a problem I'm trying to remedy.  I've been travelling the country giving workshops at crypts and mausoleums about the dangers of the sun.  I think I've educated a lot of vampires about the benefits of sunscreen.

XANDER:  Could somebody just stake this jerk!

(They go on walking.  Realising that walking is not exactly a ratings booster, Willow zaps them forward to Weatherflop)

ANGEL:  I'm going to scout around.  You guys stay here, but whatever you do, DON'T light a fire.

(Angel goes off, and Buffy decides to catch up on her beauty sleep.)

DAWN:  What should we do now?

WILLOW:  I feel like marshmallows.

XANDER:  Let's light a fire and toast marshmallows.

(They light a fire.  Buffy wakes up to the smell of smoke.)

BUFFY:  What are you doing??!!!!  Why didn't you call me, I also want marshmallows.

(They chow on marshmallows.  Nine shadows appear behind them.)

DAWN:  Uh, Buffy?

BUFFY:  No, you cannot catch bugs and put them in the fire, that would be cruel.

DAWN:  Not that.  Behind you.  There are nine of those hooded monster thingies behind you.

BUFFY:  I'm not falling for that again.  You just want my marshmallows.

(A Dark Rider stabs Buffy.  Dawn screams, because a big splotch of blood has just landed on her new blouse.    Angel leaps forward out of the shadows and chases the Dark Riders away with fire.)

ANGEL:  Luckily the Dark Riders are afraid of fire.

XANDER:  How come you told us not to light a fire then?

ANGEL:  Stop asking stupid questions and tend to the wounded Slayer.

DAWN:  Is she going to die?

WILLOW:  Don't worry, I'm sure she'll be alright.

DAWN:  Can I get her room if she snuffs it?   

ANGEL:  We must get her to Rivendull as soon as possible or she will pass into the shadow world.  Quickly Willow, zap us further in the plot.

(She zaps them further in the plot.  They are now in a forest.)

ANGEL:  She's getting weaker.  Her eyes are glazing over, she's not even overacting that much anymore.

BUFFY:  Gargle, splutter…It's such an honour to win this emmy…I'd like to thank my agent, my mom, Freddie…

WILLOW:  She's delirious!

ANGEL:  Let me go look for some herbs.

DAWN:  For Buffy?

ANGEL:  No for me, I really need some chemical help right about now.

(As Angel bends down, somebody points a stake at his neck.  He turns to see a blonde, female vampire.)

ANGEL:  Nice to see you again Darla.  What are you doing here.

DARLA:  I'm your love, the immortal Elvish princess.

ANGEL:  Immortal I can understand, but you, a princess?

DARLA:  It gets better, I'm also supposed to be one of the good guys.

ANGEL:  Now I know Joss was high when he wrote this episode.

DARLA:  After a major make-out session, I'll take Buffy to the safety of Rivendull.  

ANGEL:  You know I can't do that, I have a soul and all.  You on the other hand are still a murderous, sadistic, cold-hearted bitch.

DARLA:  You remembered your pet name for me, how sweet.  I am actually good for now, so you can take me without fear of being tempted back to your evil ways.

ANGEL:  Super.

(A few hours later Angel and Darla emerge from the woods, Darla's normally perfect Elvish hair all mussed up.)

ANGEL:  Guys, this is Darla, she's going to take Buffy to Rivendull, cause she has a faster horse.

XANDER:  Can we trust her?

DARLA:  I give you my word as an evil, lying, deceiving, scumsucking vampire.

WILLOW:  Good enough for us.  Hurry, before it's too late.

(Darla rides off with Buffy tied to the back of her horse.  The nine Dark Riders show up and pursue them.  There is a spectacular chase scene.  They reach a river.)

DARLA:  the river which marks the borders of Rivendull.  All I have to do is cross this river and I'll be safe.

(She looks at Buffy and realises the Slayer has perkier blonde hair than her, and that Angel will never love her as long as Buffy's around.  Plus she remembers she's evil.)

 DARLA:  Ah screw it.

(She dumps Buffy onto the river bank and rides off to find an Elvish snack.  The Dark Riders surround her and evilly chuckle.  Buffy rolls her glazed eyes.)

BUFFY:  Can't a Slayer ever take it easy?

(She gets up and proceeds to single-handedly throw every Dark Rider into the river where they are devoured by Elvish piranhas.  After her trademark witty comments and finishing pout, she falls down again, unconscious.  This is just the type of cliffhanger scene that make the fans come back for more, so the ending credits appear.)


	2. Flying Monkeys and Snow

Part Two

Previously on Buffy:

(A lot of Slayer shit happens.  Buffy kills a whole lot of monsters while twirling a gold-plated ring around her neck.  The Tolkien estate and Peter Jackson threaten to sue.  Xander eats.  Angel broods.  They get drunk.  Dawn sulks.  Willow acts all gay and witchy.  Most of the other main characters don't appear.  Except for Giles.  Who straightens his glasses a lot.  Buffy is stabbed.)

BUFFY:  Ooh, what happened?  My head feels like it's been through a season finale.

(Buffy's eyes slowly open, and blurrily things come into view.  She is lying in a bed, covered in soft _Bananas in Pyjamas_ sheets.  She is wearing only a flimsy nightgown.  Sitting at the foot of the bed is a figure stroking her leg.)

BUFFY:  Giles?  Is that you?

(Giles withdraws his hand and stands up quickly, straightening his tie.  He gives a sheepish smile.)

GILES:  Ah Buffy, you're awake.  We thought you'd ended in a very bad way for a spell.

BUFFY:  Huh?

GILES:  We thought we'd lost you.  With those Dark Riders stabbing you and all.  It was a close call indeed.

BUFFY:  You mean I almost died?

GILES:  Yes well actually you did die.  Willow managed to bring you back from the dead however.

(Willow and Dawn walk in at that moment, followed by Xander who is munching on a leg of deer.  Willow and Xander both rush over to hug Buffy in happiness.  Dawn looks disappointed.)

XANDER:  Buffy, you're alive!

DAWN:  Crap, I can't believe this…

WILLOW:  I knew my spell would work.  Welcome back to the land of the living Buffy.

DAWN:  …this close to being an only child…

BUFFY:  Thanks guys.  Imagine, if I was dead I'd never be able to do the happy with Angel anymore.

DAWN:  Stupid witchy resurrecting powers…

BUFFY:  But what are you doing here Giles?  When you didn't show up at the Prancing Pommie we thought you might've gone to the big library in the sky.

GILES:  I went through a terrible ordeal.  When I reached the Watcher's Council, it so happened the head Watcher had turned to evil.  I valiantly defeated him, but Faith appeared and managed to somehow overpower me.

XANDER:  No mean feat seeing how tough it is to beat a book waving, tea drinking, English stud like you.

(Giles glares at him and continues.)

GILES:  As I was saying, she captured me, and did unspeakable things to me.

WILLOW:  Oh Giles you poor thing.  Were they that bad?

GILES:  No, just…unspeakable.

(Giles' mind wanders back to the unspeakable things Faith did to him and he sighs nostalgically.)

GILES:  It was extremely difficult to escape, but using my Watcher knowledge I managed to summon a winged creature to help me.  Needless to say, I ended up here at Rivendull.

BUFFY:  So this is Rivendull?  It's not really what I expected.  Rivendull, place of the Elves, I was imagining trees and waterfalls and stuff.  It look a bit…nightclubey.

XANDER:  With bad deco.  No style at all.

DAWN:  Style?  This from a guy who's wearing _that_ shirt.

XANDER:  What's wrong with my shirt?

WILLOW:  I like the shirt.  I think it's very trendy.

DAWN:  I don't even want to go into your taste in clothes.  And nobody uses words like trendy, not even Giles.

BUFFY:  So who owns this place? 

XANDER:  No points for guessing it's an elf.

BUFFY:  So I guess someone into green a lot, and with pointy ears.

XANDER:  Well you're right about the being into green, but it's not his ears that are pointy.

(In walks the ruler of Rivendull.  He wears a garish yellow suit, and is green.  He has horns.  He is Lorne Halfelven, otherwise known by his elf name the Host.)

LORNE:  You must be Buffy.  Welcome to my little club.  

GILES:  This is the Host, ruler of the realm.

BUFFY:  So you're my host, and your name's the Host.  Has a sort of irony to it.

GILES:  Irony?  I'm surprised you know what that means seeing how many English lessons you attended in your schooldays.

BUFFY:  I'm not that dumb, I at least know what irony means.  It's like repetition of things.

(Giles groans at the state of the youth today.)

LORNE:  I was walking along the river, when I saw this little blonde girl lying on the bank.  Now what kind of host would I be if I didn't rescue her, especially from those shoes.  So I took her back here.

WILLOW:  Then we arrived, and saved you.  And now we're all together again like one big happy family.

BUFFY:  Where's Angel.

WILLOW:  Except for Angel.

LORNE:  He's off brooding gorgeously somewhere.  

BUFFY:  Damn.  I really wanted to stare at his pointy hair right about now.

GILES:  There is someone here who wants to see you.

BUFFY:  Josh Hartnett?

GILES:  Better.  Your mum.

BUFFY:  Oh.

(Buffy looks disappointed.  In walks Joyce Summers looking a lot older than when we last left her.)  
  


BUFFY:  Mom, you're here.  But you look so…wrinkly.

JOYCE:  Unemployment does that to you hon.  How's my favourite daughter?

DAWN:  Her _ladyship_ the almighty, wonderful, perfect _Buffy_ is just fine.  Unlike Dawn…

JOYCE:  I'm glad to hear that dear.  Mr Giles, Willow, Xander, Lorne, and Deannie, could you all please leave so Buffy and I can enjoy a touching Mother-Slayer moment?

(They all leave except Dawn who has to be dragged out by Giles.  Buffy and her mother share an awwwwww-inducing hug.)

VIEWERS:  Awwwwwwwww.

BUFFY:  Mom, I thought I'd never see you again.  I'm so happy you're here.

JOYCE:  You missed me that much?

BUFFY:  That, and I ran out of cash.  

JOYCE:  Buffy, if you happen to go on a dangerous mission to face great evil and throw the Ring into the Hellmouth any time soon, I have this stake for you.  It glows blue when there are vampires around.

BUFFY:  Hold on, isn't that Mr Pointy?

JOYCE:  I needed something to hang that picture of  dogs playing poker on.  I'd run out of nails.

BUFFY:  And all this time I thought Dawn was using it to poke that voodoo doll of me. 

JOYCE:  Voodoo?  I thought that was a Barbie doll.

BUFFY:  Same difference.

(As Buffy leans forward the Ring falls out from between her cleavage.  Joyce's eyes widen and she stares at it greedily.  At the Ring, not the cleavage.  Get your mind out of the gutter.)

JOYCE:  Oh look, my old ring.  Can I hold it?

(Buffy takes one look at her face and puts the Ring back to the safety of her boobs.  Suddenly a terrifying transformation occurs.  Joyce's face changes, her face becomes screwed up, her eyebrows become arched like a cartoon bad guy's, and her teeth lengthen and sharpen.  She hisses.)

BUFFY:  Mom, you're a vampire!

JOYCE:  You always were sharp-witted Buffy.  Not like Danni.

(Dawn who has been listening at the door rushes in carrying a pointy piece of wood.)

DAWN:  It's dawn, dammit, Dawn!  D…A…W…N!!!!!!!!

(As she screams these letter she sticks the stake into Joyce's back.)

JOYCE:  Diane, you've killed me…

(Joyce crumbles into dust, which Dawn continues to stab.)

BUFFY:  Dawn, she's gone.  Finito, you killed her.  You killed our mother.

DAWN:  Your mother not mine, no skin off my nose.

BUFFY:  Plus she was a vampire.

DAWN:  What?  Oh I never noticed.  Cool, I had a vampire for a fake mom.

(Opening credits.  Buffy is sitting with a bunch of other weirdoes in a top secret meeting to decide the fate of the world.  They are sitting silently waiting for the most important person to arrive.  He walks in.)

JOEY:  Pizzas you ordered!

(Now the meeting is ready to begin.  Giles as stuffiest man there starts the proceedings.)

GILES:  This One Ring is vastly powerful and could spell the end of the world.  It must be destroyed.

(A pale figure with bleached hair and cheekbones you can cut diamonds on stands up.)

SPIKE:  If it's so bloody powerful, why don't we use its power?  It's bleedin' common sense if you ask me.

GILES:  The problem with that, Spike of Gondork, is that the Ring inevitably corrupts those who use it.  The Ring works its evil through its bearer.  It would twist you utterly.

SPIKE:  So bleedin' what?

GILES:  Through my research I have discovered the only way of destroying it is to throw it into the depths of the Hellmouth.  Then the Master/Mayor/Adam/Glorificus/Insert-Current-Big-Bad's-Name-Here will not be able to harness its power and return.  Any volunteers?

(There is silence, except for the chirping of crickets.)

GILES:  Come on, there's got to be someone with courage and honour around here.  

ANGEL:  I'll go.

SPIKE:  Soddin' showoff.  Going on a bleedin' suicide mission.

GILES:  Very brave of you Angel.  There will be great bloodshed no doubt. 

SPIKE:  Bloodshed?  Blimey, count me in.  Sounds appetising.

GILES:  Who will join the two of them?  Whoever braves this perilous mission will be rewarded.  They will get plenty of gold and money.

(A woman of indeterminate hair colour stands up.)

ANYA:  I will go.  It sounds all very noble, especially the money part.

GILES:  And as heroes they will be irresistible and have women throwing themselves at them.

(A woman wearing a bag that might be a dress stands up.)

TARA:  I'll g-go too.

GILES:  Thank you Anya, daughter of Gloin, and Tara Greenleaf.  Good, we've got enough suck…er, I mean volunteers, now who will carry this Ring?

SPIKE:  Give the bleedin' thing to me, I'll make sure it don't fall into the wrong hands.

ANYA:  I would be happy to carry the golden ring.

TARA:  I don't think it'd be such a good idea to let an ex-justice d-demon carry such a powerful object.

ANYA:  I'd be a much better owner to it than a lesbian witch.  I'd treat it like my own child.  Except better.

(An argument ensues.  Everybody starts arguing over who should carry the Ring except for Angel, cause he knows that whoever carries the Ring will be the main target for the bad guys and thus likely to end up dead.  Buffy is not so smart however.)

BUFFY:  I'll do it.

(Everybody ignores her engrossed in the fracas, that is until Buffy stakes a nameless extra.)

BUFFY:  I said I'll take the damn Ring!

GILES:  Buffy has volunteered to take the Ring.  Since her mind is the most difficult to corrupt, seeing how she has none, she will carry the Ring and drop it into the Hellmouth.  You four will be her sidekicks.  I will be her wise and devilishly handsome mentor

(Dawn, Xander and Willow have been hiding behind Giles' huge pile of books, secretly listening to the meeting.  Dawn, seeing two gorgeous older vampires, leaps out.)

DAWN:  You're not going without me!

(Willow seeing another gay witch, leaps out.)

WILLOW:  And me!

(Xander seeing a sexy ex-justice demon, and figuring they'll take a lot of rations along, leaps out.)

XANDER:  Don't forget me!

LORNE:  You guys will go on this mission to save the world then.  The nine of you will be called…

BUFFY:  You are not coming along Dawn.

DAWN:  Am too, you can't stop me.

BUFFY:  I'm your older sister and now your guardian, I can so stop you.

LORNE:  You will be called…

BUFFY:  You're staying right here.

DAWN:  You're such an anal-retentive Buffy!  Dawn, don't do this, Dawn don't do that!  Dawn, be careful of breathing, it's dangerous!

BUFFY:  This is what I get for being concerned about my sister?!  As if being a Slayer and having to save the world isn't enough, I have to take care of my ungrateful little sister!

LORNE:  The name of this brave group will be…

DAWN:  Fine, I won't go then.  I'll just stay right here where you can't keep an eye on me.  And then I'll wander off into the forest alone and date Dark Riders.  Hey, is today Tuesday?

BUFFY:  *Groan*, fine, you can come.  But only if you keep out of my way and do _everything_ I say.

DAWN:  Thanks Buffy, you're the best.  I promise.

(Needless to say, her fingers are crossed.)

LORNE:  As I was saying, your name will be the Scoobyship of the Ring.

(The nine of them stand together and pose for a group photo.)

GILES:  No matter what we face, we will face it together.  The nine of us.  With me leading us.

SPIKE:  Oh shite, we're buggered.

(At Isenbored a spy is telling Faith the events of Rivendull.)

SPY:  And then they all got completely pissed in celebration and left the next morning for the Hellmouth.

FAITH:  So B and the slayerettes are planning to throw the Ring in the Hellmouth?  I've got to stop her and get me that ring.  I'll find them and kill them all.  Except for Angel, I'll keep him for a little bit of fun.  And Xander.  And Giles.  And Spike.  And maybe even Buffy as well.

(Faith goes to a cage full of flying monkeys.  She unlatches the cage.)

FAITH:  Fly my prettys, fly!

(The flying monkeys flap out of the cage and into the window, which is unfortunately closed.  The monkeys fall to the ground concussed.)

FAITH:  Shit.  Stupid monkeys.

(She opens the window and pulls the emergency lever.  A bunch of back-up monkeys fly out of a pit in the floor and into the sky.  Their targets are walking up a mountain.)

XANDER:  are we there yet?

GILES:  No.

XANDER:  Are we there yet?

GILES:  No.

XANDER:  Are we there yet?

GILES:  For the hundredth time, no we are not there yet.  It is a long and arduous journey, and we only set out yesterday.  Ergo we will not be there for many days yet.

XANDER:  OK.

(They walk on.)

XANDER:  Is it time for a food break yet?

GILES:  *Sigh*.

BUFFY:  Giles?

GILES:  Yes Buffy?

BUFFY:  What's ergo mean?

GILES:  Good Lord!

DAWN:  I know what it is.  I'm smarter than Buffy.

BUFFY:  You so do not know what it means.

DAWN:  Do too!  It's 'ogre' spelt backwards.  You know, ogre, like you?

BUFFY:  It's not ogre!  Is it Giles?  
GILES:  Ergo means therefore, don't you know any Latin?!  Haven't you heard of 'I think therefore I am'?  Cogito ergo sum? 

BUFFY:  Let's leave the spells and incantations to Willow.

GILES:  Let's stop for a break, with every step and stupid comment my headache seems to grow.

SPIKE:  Ignore 'em, Giles mate, this bleedin' Peanut gallery aint got much to offer upstairs.  Blimey, Bill the pony has more brains than they do.

GILES:  I have a university degree.  I was voted top of my class at Watcher college.  One stupid night with the dean's wife and they send me to look after the new Slayer.  Look at me now.

SPIKE:  Cor blimey, that's soddin' bollocks if you ask me.

GILES:  And could you please stop talking with that damned accent!  Nobody in the English Isles talks like that!  No normal British person talks like that!

ANYA:  So what you're saying is only not normal British people speak like that.

GILES:  What?

ANYA:  If no normal British person speaks like that, than only not normal British people speak like that.  It's called logic.  Xander taught it to me.

GILES:  Xander and logic?  I shudder at the thought.

BUFFY:  So what do normal British accents sound like?  The non-stuffy Giles kind I mean.  Is it like Ali-G?

GILES:  I hardly think we can compare an Indian accent to a British one.

(Dawn giggles.  Giles glares at her.)

GILES:  What are you laughing at young lady?

DAWN:  Nothing.

GILES:  I should hope so.  I am only trying to expand your knowledge here.  

SPIKE:  By bloody well slagging off my accent.

ANGEL:  You've got to have the right accent to make a character believable.

SPIKE:  Look who's talking mate.  You heard your Irish accent lately?

ANGEL:  My Irish accent is just fine.  I think I sound like Bono.

SPIKE:  It's just bleedin' lucky you don't have flashback sequences too often, or else we'd have the bloody IRA bombing us.

BUFFY:  Yeah, I've heard those tax guys can be tough.

(Giles stares at her and groans.  Angel has just put on an Irish accent.)

ANGEL:  Top of the mornin' to ya.  See, you can't tell me that doesn't sound Irish.

GILES:  I need some magic help to get rid of this headache.  Willow?  Where's Willow?

XANDER:  She went off into the bushes with Tara.

GILES:  Right when I need her.  What could she be doing?

BUFFY:  Or who.

GILES:  Willow!  Where are you?!

(Willow emerges from behind a boulder, followed closely by Tara.)

WILLOW:  Yeah Giles, what it is?

GILES:  We're supposed to keep together, there's danger about.  What were you doing back there?

WILLOW:  Oh, I was just showing Tara my pussy.

(There is a horrified silence.  Far in the distance are the sounds of a thousand irate viewers phoning the network and screaming into the phone.)

WILLOW:  You know, Miss Kitty Fantastico, my pussycat.

(The cat comes out from behind the rock.)

WILLOW:  Why is everybody looking at me like that.

GILES:  Nothing, no reason at all.

ANYA:  We just thought that when you said you were showing Tara your pussy, you meant you were showing her your…

XANDER:  Anya honey, remember what we said about some situations needing that thing called 'tact'?  This is one of those situations.

ANYA:  I don't see what's so embarrassing, I mean I show you mine all the time.

XANDER:  Embarrassing much?  OK, we're going to shut up now.  Come on Anya, let's go over there far away from foot-in-mouth land.

ANYA:  Oh goody, did this conversation give you ideas?

(Xander's hand clamp down on Anya's mouth and he drags her away.  Tara picks up Miss Kitty Fantastico and begins petting her.  Dawn starts giggling.)

BUFFY:  What are you laughing at now?

DAWN:  Tara is stroking miss Kitty Fantastico.  Tara is stroking Willow's pussy.

(Spike bursts out laughing.)

SPIKE:  Too right Dawnie, this is bloody smutty.  We don't watch out we'll lose our G-rating.

DAWN:  I think we passed G a long time ago.  This is NC-17 for sure.

SPIKE:  Graphic scenes of a pussy being stroked?  Bleedin' XXX-rated if you ask me.

DAWN:  Hey maybe we can market this as Wicca porn or something.  

SPIKE:  Hey Red, can I stroke your pussy too?

WILLOW:  Sure, she really enjoys it.

(By now Spike and Dawn are almost in tears.  Willow, the innocent thing that she is, still has no idea what they are talking about.  Tara has latched on, and has stopped stroking the cat.)

SPIKE:  Glad to see it's not an exclusive thing.  You call it a she do ya?  Soddin' brilliant, that is.

TARA:  Uh Will, I think I k-know what they're talking about.

(Tara whispers in her ear and Willow turns redder than her hair.)

WILLOW:  Going…over…there…bye…

(She stumbles away from Spike and Dawn who are rolling around on the floor.)

GILES:  You two should be ashamed of yourselves.  Minds in the gutter like that.

SPIKE:  I think Giles is feelin' a bit left out, I do.  Maybe he needs to stroke the soddin' pussy as well.

BUFFY:  This is beginning to sound like an episode of _Sex and the City_.  Only without the fashion.

(At this point most luckily a flock of flying monkeys fly into view.)

ANGEL:  Spies from Isenbored, we must hide.

(Giles checks his hair and teeth.  They all crouch in the shadow of an overhanging rock.)

BUFFY:  It's a bit crowded in here.

GILES:  Would you rather be out in the open?

BUFFY:  I just wish Bill the pony wasn't on top of me.  Oh God, did he just fart?

XANDER:  No, that was me.

(The flying monkeys fly overhead, but the Scoobyship is too well-hidden.  Except for Miss Kitty Fantastico who is lying in plain view.  The flying monkeys return to Isenbored.  The leader of the monkeys goes up to Faith.)

FAITH:  What is it boy?  

MONKEY:  Ooh ah ah ooh ooh ah ohh.

FAITH:  A cat in the middle of nowhere?  The scoobies are too goody-goody to abandon animals like that.  I've found them, they're going down.

(Faith opens a chest and removes some monkey-sized swords.  She hands it to some of the monkeys.)

FAITH:  I'll send my attack monkeys to slaughter them.  And then I'll have my hands on that gorgeous Buf…Ring.  Fly my monkeys, fly!

(Some of the monkeys are just looking at the swords, others are sniffing them.  One of the monkeys catches on to their function and hits another monkey on the head.  The other monkeys follow suit and start slashing and battering each other.)

FAITH:  No, you dumb monkeys, stop stabbing each other.  Do you know what a bitch blood is to clean?!

(Back on the mountain the scoobyship trudge upwards.)

BUFFY:  It's getting really cold as we go along.

SPIKE: Well we are going up a soddin' mountain.

GILES:  The weather's actually quite pleasant.

BUFFY:  How can you say that?

XANDER:  He's from England.

ANGEL:  I'll wrap my strong arms around you to keep you warm…

GILES:  Thank you for the offer, but it's quite unnecessary, I'm not cold at all.

ANGEL:  I was talking to Buffy.

SPIKE:  How're you going to keep her warm you bleedin' wanker?  You're a vampire, no circulation, remember?

BUFFY:  I wish I had a scarf or something.

(Willow says a mystical-sounding word and a scarf appears.)

BUFFY:  Hey, cool…I wish I had a fur coat.

(Willow says another mystical-sounding word and a coat appears.  Faux fur.  She's a real animal-lover, despite the deer killing and all.)

BUFFY:  Boy, do I wish I had a pair of $2000 Prada boots.

(Willow says another mystical-sounding word and a pair of $2000 Prada boots appears.)

BUFFY:  I wish I had a movie deal with Brad Pitt and Robert DeNiro and an Oscar and an Emmy…     

WILLOW:  Don't push it.  I can't perform miracles, I'm not Hecate you know.  Soon after my spell I will be, but now…

TARA:  What d-did you say sweetie?

WILLOW:  Nothing at all, just talking to myself.

TARA:  Will honey, we've got to talk.  About this whole m-magic thing.

WILLOW:  I'm all ears.  Not literally of course cause then I'd be some sort of weird demon…hey, maybe I could conjure up one of those.

TARA:  That's what I mean.  I think you're using too much m-magic.  I think you're an addict.

WILLOW:  Me addicted to magic?  I don't think so but I could cast a spell to find out.

TARA:  I can't be in a self-destructive relationship with a m-magic addict.

WILLOW:  No!  I don't want to lose you Tara, what must I do to prove to you I'm not addicted?

TARA:  Go without magic for a w-week.

WILLOW:  Done.  Don't worry, I won't use magic in any way.

TARA:  That's a relief because I was really worried that you would…

WILLOW:  _Forget_.  What were you saying hon?

TARA:  Uh…I don't remember.

WILLOW:  Weird.  I'd use my magic but I feel no urge to since I'm not addicted.  In any way.  At all.

TARA:  No, that's f-fine.

GILES:  Now which direction should we go next?  Let me take out the map and get my bearings.

(Out of one of his many book bags he retrieves a map.  He pores over it.)

ANYA:  You know Giles, Xander was showing me one of your maps…well, we were actually having sex on it…

(Giles drops the map and wipes his hands on his shirt.)

ANYA:  And I happened to notice the route we're taking is very long and will add days to our journey.  Normally I would be happy to prolong any time I spend with Xander, but I'm afraid I might run out of hair colour before we get across the mountains.  Plus it's not very pleasant being naked in this cold.

GILES:  There's no other viable route we can take.

ANYA:  Why don't we take a shortcut through Moria.  There we will be pampered and treated well by my people.  And it's a mine.  So there's gold.

GILES:  That route has hidden dangers that could be far worse than anything we face on the mountains.  

ANYA:  Like what?

GILES:  You lived there.  That's big enough reason.

(They reach the snowline.  Buffy is limping.)

BUFFY:  It's damn hard walking through snow in $2000 Prada boots.  My feet are killing me.

ANGEL:  Why don't you put your other shoes back on.

BUFFY:  Are you crazy?  $2000 boots are supposed to be uncomfortable.  I'll wear them till my feet bleed.

SPIKE:  I'm all for that.

(Buffy stumbles and falls face forward in the snow.  Although her ears are filled with the stuff, she can hear high-pitched giggling.)

BUFFY:  It's not funny Dawn.

DAWN:  I didn't do anything.

(She looks up and sees Giles covering his mouth with his hand and shaking.)

BUFFY:  Giles!

(Giles doesn't answer but turns away.  He doesn't stop giggling.  Buffy gives him a dark look.  Spike kneels down and picks something off the ground.)  

SPIKE:  Well bugger me, Buffy dropped the Ring.

BUFFY:  Can I have it back?

SPIKE:  Could make all our bloody troubles disappear if we bothered to use it properly.

(Angel puts his hand on the hilt of his favourite sword.)

ANGEL:  You've seen the Ring, now give it back to Buffy.

SPIKE:  The power to go bleedin' invisible…pretty little thing, isn't it?

XANDER:  Oh does Spikey like the gold ring?  I'm Spikina and I like pretty bobbles and things.  What a nice piece of jewellery this is, I wish it was mine, and I wish I had some matching earrings…

SPIKE:  How'd you like to have the Ring stuffed up your bloody arse?  Oh wait, you'd probably enjoy that.  Here's your soddin' Ring, hope it bloody well gets stuck on your finger and you get gangrene and die.

(Spike hands the ring back to Buffy.)

SPIKE:  Uh, Angel mate, you can take your hand off your sword.  I gave the bleedin Ring back.

ANGEL:  I know, I know.

SPIKE:  Then you wonder why I don't like the bloody wanker.

TARA:  Hey, can we stop an make snowwomen?

GILES:  I hardly think this is the time or place to engage in such frivolities…Hey!  Who the hell threw that snowball?

(They engage in frivolities.  They have snowball fights.  Xander feels like some ice-cream but settles for just plain ice.  They build a big snowman and stare at it.)

BUFFY:  Not a bad job if I must say so myself.

WILLOW:  I think it looks very nice, for a male snowman.

XANDER:  Reminds me of Spike.  White, cold, and no heart, brain, or pulse.

BUFFY:  And one hell of a carrot!

WILLOW:  I think that's supposed to go on the face.

BUFFY:  I'm all for that.

WILLOW:  The snowman's face.

BUFFY:  Oh.

(Observing them from afar is Faith.  In her hands she holds a clear orb.  The orb shows a snow-covered scene, dotted with a number of small figures.)

FAITH:  Found you and your pals B, playing in the snow.  I think I should heat up the party a little bit, or at least cool it down, using my magical snowglobe.

(She turns the snowglobe upside down and little bits of made-in-Taiwan snow sprinkles over the scene.  On the actual mountain, snow starts sliding down.  The scoobys look up.  They see a huge mass of snow hurtling towards them.)

ANGEL:  Uh oh.

SPIKE:  We're about to be buried under a thousand soddin' tons of snow and all you can say is uh oh?  How about bleedin' well trying some heave swearing once in a while.

ANGEL:  I had no idea 'sodding' and 'bloody' was heavy swearing.

TARA:  D-don't worry.  I know a spell to stop the avalanche falling on us.  Gingivitis, Callisthenics, Decorum.  Oh great master of the mountains, spare us from your…

(Her spell is cut short by a thousand tons of snow falling on her.  Luckily between Xander's craving for snow and Willow's conjured-up bulldozer, they manage to dig themselves out.)

GILES:  Everyone alright?  Nobody with any serious injuries?

ANGEL:  Yeah, I think all of us are out and safe.

GILES:  Faith must have discovered our whereabouts, and is trying to prevent us going any further.

BUFFY:  You immediately assume it's Faith.  Couldn't it have just been a random avalanche brought on by Dawn's hair or Spike's brooding or something?

GILES:  This has Faith's name all over it.

ANGEL:  That's just an assumption.

GILES:  No, I'm serious.  There's a sign "Avalanche by Faith".

BUFFY:  Sounds like a great name for a perfume.  Except you've gotta say the avalanche part in a more Frenchy accent.  Avalanje.

GILES:  I'm afraid this route might become impassable.  Or impossible.  I hope everybody brought their snowshoes.

ANYA:  If this route is so bad, then here's an idea.  Let's take the route through Moria where it's safer.  Did I mention the gold?

(Despite this being the most sensible and logical path, Giles is still unwilling to go, because he's a big chicken.  With the interests of the scoobyship in mind however, he does the intelligent thing a proper leader would do.  He shifts responsibility.)

GILES:  Let the Ringslayer decide.

SPIKE:  What??!  Cor and blimey, you're leaving the decision to a girl who knows buggerall about the terrain?

BUFFY:  I do too know about the terrain.  There's snow.  It's high up.  In a mountain.  I think.

GILES:  Here is my map Buffy, study it well and make your choice.

BUFFY:  Great.  Uh, where are we going again?

GILES:  Right over here, partly obscured by this unidentified stain.

XANDER:  Oops.

BUFFY:  OK, as the Ring-slayer, I think we should goooooo…thataway!

ANGEL:  That's where we just came from.

BUFFY:  Just testing to see if you guys are paying attention.

WILLOW:  Shouldn't someone make the decision who actually passed geography?

BUFFY:  Don't bring geography into this.  All those numbers and angles, and parallel lines. I mean, how is that crap relevant up here?

WILLOW:  I think you're thinking of geometry.  Geography was the one with all the maps.

BUFFY:  What are the options again?

GILES:  As wise and knowledgeable watcher, my preference is for the pass through the mountains.  The money-obsessed ex-Justice demon, _who's dating Xander_ thinks we should go through dark and dingy mines.

ANYA:  You forgot to mention the gold.     

BUFFY:  My slayer-sense, and my innate sense of direction tells me we should go through the pass.  
ANGEL:  Then we shall go the opposite of where you think we should go.  To the mines!  

(They set off in the direction of Moria.  Eventually Buffy stops.)

BUFFY:  Uh…where's Dawn?  

(Some way back a muffled Dawnish voice comes under the snow.  Closing credits.)


	3. It's Mine, all Mine!

Part Three

Previously on Buffy:

(At Rivendull a Scoobyship of the Ring is formed to throw the evil Ring into the Hellmouth.  The members are a Slayer who failed geography, her technically non-existent sister, a dull vampire with a soul, an interesting vampire without a soul but with a dumb British accent, a dumb Brit, two gay witches with dodgy fashion sense, puffy comedy relief, and a man-hating ex-Vengeance demon who's dating the puffy comedy relief cause he's not much of a man anyway.  They waste a whole episode and only manage to travel two miles.)

GILES:  We've arrived at the gates to Moria.

ANYA:  Now you can experience my people's hospitality.  You'll be fed, kept warm, and save plenty of time by going through the mountain instead of over it.  All for a marginally low price.

BUFFY:  There's no handle.  How do you open a door with no door handle.

DAWN:  Duh, you push it.

GILES:  There appears to be something written on the door.  I'll consult my books to translate it.

TARA:  I guess we'll be saying goodbye to B-Bill the pony.  Where is he anyway?

(Spike starts whistling innocently.)

BUFFY:  Spike!  You ate Bill the pony?!

SPIKE:  What was I supposed to do?  Angel always hogs all the soddin' pig's blood.  There's hardly any left over for me.  Blimey, a vamp's got to eat.

BUFFY:  But an entire pony?  PETA's going to be sooo pissed.

SPIKE:  I didn't have _all_ of it.

(Xander burps out a horseshoe.  Buffy, Tara and Willow are all giving him the evil eye.  Dawn hastily changes the subject.)

DAWN:  So we're gonna go through a mine.  Won't it be all dirty and cob-webby and mine-ish?

ANYA:  It's clean for a mine.  

XANDER:  Won't it be all dark?

ANYA:  Very dark.  So dark it's hard to see what the person next to you is doing.

(Willow and Tara exchange joyous looks as they realise they can probably do anything and not be caught.)

WILLOW:  Finally.  Let's see the UPN censors do anything about us now.

TARA:  Three years and we haven't even been able to kiss.  Buffy gets sooo much action.

WILLOW:  And we get…dancing together.

TARA:  And fully-clothed snuggling.

ANYA:  Lucky Xander and I can talk about sex and have sex and…Xander, let's go have sex.

WILLOW:  Stupid meaningful gazing into each other's eyes.  There's only so many meaningful gazes you can take before you want to rip off somebody's clothes and kiss and grope every part of their body, and make them scream so loud that they…

TARA:  Uh Will honey, remember the censors.  We're not in the m-mines yet.

WILLOW:  Right.  Mustn't think about sex, must think about platonic love affair.

GILES:  I think I've translated the writing on the door.  It says "Speak friend and enter".

BUFFY:  What does that mean?

GILES:  It's a riddle obviously.  We have to say the password and then the door will open.

(Giles says some funny words and waits.  The door remains firmly shut.)

GILES:  Maybe it's one of those delayed action doors.

(More time passes.  Nothing happens.  Giles takes off his glasses and cleans them.)

SPIKE:  So much for your soddin' books.  

GILES:  Perhaps I got the translation wrong, or maybe the pronunciation.

WILLOW:  Maybe I can cast a spell and open it.

ANGEL:  "Speak friend and enter".  Maybe it means say the word "friend" and it'll open.

GILES:  That was my next idea.  In Elvish, Eli'spaniel!

BUFFY:  Nothing.

(Dawn is throwing stones in the lake just outside the door.)

GILES:  Stop throwing those stones, I'm trying to concentrate.

(Dawn glares at him and throws one last stone which accidentally flies in Giles' direction and clips him on the ear.  He yells.)

WILLOW:  What language does _that_ word mean "friend" in?  
BUFFY:  Giles, don't use that language in front of Dawn.  You're corrupting her innocent mind.

GILES:  Her innocent mind?  She taught me that language.

SPIKE:  Actually I think that does mean friend in some or other language.  Once I was talking to this bleedin' Jejoba demon, and we were talkin' about our favourite TV shows.  And his is _Friends_, so the Jejoban word for friends is Yushitbastardkuntmutherfu…    

BUFFY:  Giles, why don't you try some more words for "friend"?  Except for Jejoban.

GILES:  Kariakis.

ANGEL:  Nope.

GILES:  Demerol Antipasto

SPIKE:  Bloody nothing.

GILES:  Pellagra.

BUFFY:  Closed.

(Two hundred names later the door remains shut.  Xander and Anya return to the group, their clothes dishevelled.)

GILES:  Good Lord, I've been through all the words for "friend" of fourteen dimensions, and it still doesn't respond.  It may be one of the more obscure hell-dimension languages, or perhaps an ancient dialect…

DAWN:  There's something else written on the side of the door.  In English.

ANGEL:  It says "To open door, push".

(Giles does this and the door does indeed open.)

DAWN:  Told you so.  Why does no-one ever listen to me?

BUFFY:  It looks a bit dark in there.

WILLOW:  Yes!

BUFFY:  I'm not so sure I want to go in there, are there going to be bats?

SPIKE:  You're the bleedin' Slayer.  You've faced vampires, demons, monsters, and gods, and you're scared there'll be bats?

BUFFY:  I'm not scared _of _ the bats, I'm scared there'll be batshit.  I don't want to ruin my $2000 Prada boots.

WILLOW:  I could always zap the batpoop away with my magic.

ANYA:  Don't worry there's none of that stuff in there.  We like to keep the mines clean.

GILES:  Anyway bat dropping are nothing to be afraid of.  People collect them for all sorts of things.  Guano is actually a very valuable industry.

ANYA:  What?!  Why did nobody tell me this before I bought the BatsBgone powder?  Oh God, all that money gone to waste!

(No-one has noticed a tentacle snaking out of the water.  It crawls along the ground and grabs Xander's leg.)

XANDER:  Arrrggghhh!!!  

ANYA:  Xander!  Somebody help him, Xander's been grabbed by a giant tentacle!

BUFFY:  Ooh, where?

GILES:  TEN-tacle, Buffy, TEN-tacle.

TARA:  I think it's trying to d-drag him towards the water.

(The tentacle is indeedy pulling Xander into the lake, albeit very slowly.  In fact a wheezing seems to be coming from the water.)

ANGEL:  Quickly Buffy, it's tiring.  Let's attack.

(The scoobyship, those who actually have any idea of how to fight rush in.  Most cleverly they dive into the water, forgetting that monsters generally don't come with only one tentacle.  They find seven other tentacles.  The mouth the tentacles belong to eats them.)

TARA:  That's not g-good.

GILES:  On the bright side, the time it takes to digest Angel and Xander should keep it busy for a week.

DAWN:  Now I have no mother or sister.  Cool, freedom at last!

ANYA:  Can't we do anything?  Xander's in that thing!  I'm the only thing he's supposed to be in.

(Willow casts a spell that makes the tentacled monster nauseous.  It throws up Buffy, Spike, Angel and Xander.  The others rush towards them.)

ANYA:  Xander, I'm so happy you're alive.  I'd hug you, but I don't want to get tentacled monster spit on me.

GILES:  Let's get inside before the creature recovers.

(They run inside and the tentacled monster tries to drag itself after them.  The entrance collapses.  They are trapped.  Opening credits.)

DAWN:  Wow, it's like inky blackness in here.  I can't see a thing.

ANGEL:  Is everyone all right?  

GILES:  It would be wise for us to hold hands so we don't lose each other.

SPIKE:  Bloody good idea.

BUFFY:  Spike, that's NOT my hand. 

SPIKE:  Sorry, lost me bearings there.  Rather take my hand.  Here.

BUFFY:  That's not your HAND either.

GILES:  Willow, perhaps you should use a spell to light a fire.  Willow?

WILLOW:  Hmmm, what?

GILES:  What are you up to?  Are you busy kissing Tara?

WILLOW:  Uh…

TARA:  That's impossible, I'm over here.

WILLOW:  You are?  Then who am I kissing?  Anya!

ANYA:  You're not Xander?  I wondered why you were so clean-shaven.  Plus the strawberry lip balm.  

XANDER:  Anya, if you're over there, then whose butt am I squeezing.

ANGEL:  That's you Xander?

XANDER:  Oh God, no.

GILES:  I think we urgently need some light before this turns into an orgy.

WILLOW:  I'm on it.  Luminosa!

PIG:  Oink.

XANDER:  That worked great.  Now we're still in the dark, but we've got a pig.

WILLOW:  I'd like to see you find the right herbs in the dark.  I must've used Greenwort instead of Needlewort.  I think I've got the right herb now, my spell should make light.  Or if I use St. Alban's Wort by mistake, it could turn us all into worms.

GILES:  Perhaps we should find a safer way of making light.  Dawn, toss your hair.

(Instantly the chamber is filled with light as Dawn tosses her shiny hair.  Most of the scoobyship are in various states of undress.)

GILES:  Are Dawn and I the only ones who aren't obsessed with finding sexual gratification around here?

DAWN:  Speak for yourself, as soon as I'm legal…

BUFFY:  Dawn!

DAWN:  Like I was saying as soon as I'm legal I'm going to wait until I'm married.

BUFFY:  Good.  I was getting worried there.

XANDER:  Eeeeeeek!!

ANGEL:  What is it?

XANDER:  Look down.

(Strewn along the ground are corpses.  It has been the site of a battle recently.)

DAWN:  What happened

ANGEL:  Vampires have been here before us.  

ANYA:  No, this can't be happening!!  Please let it not be true!  Don't let them have taken our money!

GILES:  We must tread warily.  If the vampires find us, the consequences could be disastrous.

SPIKE:  Yeh, it's not like we have a soddin' Slayer with us or anything.

WILLOW:  Why don't I cast a spell to make us invisible to vampires?

TARA:  Sweetie, I think you're using way too much m-magic…why do I have dèja vu?

WILLOW:  No idea. 

TARA:  I think you should give up magic.

WILLOW:  _Forget_.  Hey Tara honey, you don't think I use too much magic, do you?

TARA:  Why would I think something like that?

(They go deep into the mine.  At one point while the scoobyship are resting, Buffy notices a shadowy figure in the background.)

BUFFY:  Giles, I think we're being followed.

GILES:  Brilliant deduction.  After a good many days on the road, your Slayer instincts finally reveal that fact to you.

BUFFY:  You knew?  But how.

GILES:  I look behind me every once in a while.  The creature that is following us is Drugollum.

BUFFY:  What does it want?

GILES:  The Ring.  Drugollum used to be a sweet innocent person before she found the ring.  It corrupted her until she went mad.  Now she speaks in riddles. 

DRUGOLLUM:  My pretty, I need you, precious.  If you throw a rock down a waterfall, then the kittens will dance.  

BUFFY:  Pity somebody hasn't killed her already.

GILES:  Pity?  Who are you to decide who lives and dies?

BUFFY:  Uh, the Slayer?

GILES:  Good point.  

BUFFY:  What a drag this whole Ring thing is turning out to be.  I wish the Ring had never come to me.

GILES:  So do all who live to see such times.  But you're the Slayer.  So nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.

BUFFY:  Thanks I feel so much better now.  With watchers like you, who needs vampires?

GILES:  We've rested enough, let's get on our way.  Where is everybody?

DAWN:  Xander and Anya went somewhere together, and Willow and Tara went in another direction together.

BUFFY:  Why don't Spike and I go and find them?

GILES:  Good idea Buffy.  Except you're going in the wrong direction.  Buffy!  She's gone.

ANGEL:  I'll go after her and point her in the right direction.

(A little way away in the dark are Xander and Anya.)

XANDER:  Anya, it's sort of hard to see what I'm doing.

ANYA:  Mmmm, you said hard.  Kiss me Xander, kiss me.

(There are sounds of smooching for a few minutes.)

ANYA:  Not there you idiot, lower.

XANDER:  Don't blame me, I can't see anything.

ANYA:  What's your excuse the times you can see?

XANDER:  …You like this don't you?

ANYA:  Xander, that's my armpit.

XANDER:  I can't work my Xander magic in the dark.  The dark is too…dark.

ANYA:  Ow Xander, watch where you point that thing!  You poked me in the eye.

(Another way away are Tara and Willow.)

TARA:  Oh yeah.  This feels a lot better than just holding hands.

WILLOW:  OK, now what?

TARA:  What do you m-mean?

WILLOW:  I'm not too sure where to go from here.

TARA:  How can you not be sure?

WILLOW:  I wasn't always gay you know.  

TARA:  Oh yeah, I forgot about wonderful Oz.  You'd k-know exactly what to do with him.

WILLOW:  Don't be jealous sweetie, I'm with you now.

TARA:  Only cause he's a w-werewolf.

WILLOW:  Come on, don't be like this.  There's one thing we've got that Oz and I didn't.  Wild witchy magic.

TARA:  So?

WILLOW:  I found this great spell we can do.  It's called the wild screaming orgasm spell.  Now I know you're probably going to say it's bad to use personal magic…

TARA:  Why'd you think a dumb thing like that?  How do you do the spell?

(Back to Xander and Anya.)  
  


XANDER:  What is that screaming?

ANYA:  I remember when you used to be able to make me scream in pleasure like that.  Repeatedly.  And in many different positions.

XANDER:  I haven't stopped.  It's just dark.

ANYA:  Xander, are you scared of the dark?

XANDER:  No, I just like to see who I'm boinking.

ANYA:  Are you afraid I'll turn back into a demon, and that I'll want to punish you because you're a man?

XANDER:  Now I am!

ANYA:  You're so cute when you're scared.  You don't have to worry about that, if I ever turn back into a demon I won't punish you.

XANDER:  Phew.

ANYA:  But if you EVER break my heart or hurt me in any way, I'll make sure you suffer so much that you'll beg for a quick death, understand little man?

XANDER:  That really clarifies things for me.  I'm absolutely terrified now.

(Some distance away Angel has just found Buffy and Spike.)

ANGEL:  Buffy?  Are you here?

BUFFY:  Yes Spike, you revolting creature, there, right there!  That's it, yes, YES, YEEEEESSSSSS!!!!

ANGEL:  Buffy, is that you?

SPIKE:  Sod off you pointy haired pratt, can't you see the Slayer and I are shagging.

BUFFY:  Angel, what are you doing here?

ANGEL:  Buffy, are you and Spike, um, having S…E…X?  I can't believe it!  With Spike!  He's a vampire.

BUFFY:  So are you.

ANGEL:  He's cruel and malicious.  He's killed people.

BUFFY:  So have you.  

ANGEL:  He's over a hundred years old.

BUFFY:  You're even older.

ANGEL:  Uh…he wears nail polish.  

SPIKE:  But I'm not a poufter.  Tell him what a great shagger I am.

BUFFY:  I don't know what a poufter or a shagger is, but he's right.

ANGEL:  I can't believe you'd do this to me.  Wasn't I a good enough lover for you?

SPIKE:  Obviously bloody not.

BUFFY:  Sure you were.

SPIKE:  What??!

BUFFY:  You have got three hundred years of experience.  I don't want to stop having sex with you Angel.  But I also want to hump Spike.

ANGEL:  You can't have both of us.

BUFFY:  I was kind of hoping I could.  At the same time.

ANGEL:  What a disgusting thought.

SPIKE:  Turns me stomach.

BUFFY:  Oh come on, you can't tell me you've never fantasised about it.

SPIKE:  Well there was that time in France in 1894.  You were wearing that bleedin' cute stovepipe hat… 

ANGEL:  And you still had brown hair…

SPIKE:  And Darla and Dru were off somewhere…

ANGEL:  And we were alone together…

BUFFY:  Now we're cooking!

(Giles hears more screaming and moaning in the distance.  He takes off his glasses and cleans him.)

GILES:  Good Lord.

DAWN:  When am I going to be old enough to get some action?

GILES:  You know young Dana…

DAWN:  Dawn.

GILES:  Sex isn't all it's cracked up to be.  It's very overrated.

DAWN:  Spoken like somebody who's not getting any.

GILES:  I don't need to "get any".  There's more to life than sex.  There's art and literature and music and…Oh God, I'm so lonely.  If only I was back with Faith.

DAWN:  I thought you were being tortured at Faith's.

GILES:  I was, I just meant that perhaps if I was being tortured again I'd be able to appreciate the meaning of life again.  I appreciate it more just thinking about it, Faith standing over me dressed in black leather, whip in hand, me handcuffed…

DAWN:  Giles, you're drooling.

GILES:  What?  So I was, must've been the fear.

(The scoobyship is reassembled many hours later.  For a few days they wander through Moria, narrowly avoiding vamps.)

ANYA:  Up ahead is the section of the mines where my uncle lives.

BUFFY:  You have an uncle?  What's his name?

ANYA:  Hanuraka the Foul.  He's a Fire demon.  His hospitality is renowned.  And he makes great flan.

XANDER:  Well anybody who makes great flan is fine by me.

ANYA:  Here we are, at the entrance to his chamber.

(They enter to find skeletons and blood and other nasty stuff.)

GILES:  Anya, I'm afraid the vampires have been here.  Look at the carnage they have left.

ANYA:  No it always looks like this.  I told you, he's  a demon. 

SPIKE:  There's an awful lot of dust, that's a sign bloody vampires have been here.

WILLOW:  There's a book on the floor.  It looks like a diary.

GILES:  Hand it to me, let me read it.  "Have been v.good to keep on diet.  Expect to go down to 9st by party on Saturday.  Mmm, Mark Darcy's going to be there.  Pity he's a complete snob because he's infinitely shaggable.  Am so depressed do not have a man.  Must have drink."

ANGEL:  Turn to the last page.

BUFFY:  Yeah, I want to see if she gets that Darcy guy in the end.

GILES:  "Vampires are coming.  Shit.  Am probably going to die.  Or be turned into vampire.  Hmm, wonder if vampires gain much weight?  Have never seen fat vampires.  Pro of being vampire, might be thin and gorgeous.  Con is would be dead.  Vampires have just broken down door.  They are attacking.  Arrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!  Am dead."

(While this is happening Dawn is looking at a rock.  Which is balanced precariously on the edge of a very deep well.  Which for some reason is attached to a suit of armour.  Naturally Dawn pokes the rock.  Which falls.  The armour is dragged along the ground.  And into the very deep well.  It makes a lot of noise.)

DAWN:  Oops.

GILES:  You stupid girl!  Throw yourself in next time!!  You know how much noise that just made?!!!  Why don't we just wear some sirens and go around screaming LOOK HERE WE ARE, WE'VE GOT THE RING, COME AND GET US!!!!!  With a great flashing neon sign!!!

(Somewhere in the deep of the mines a whole lot of vampires look up, startled.  There are many vampires in the mine so things often get knocked down shafts.  What the vampires don't usually hear is an angry British voice screaming like that.  The vampires go in the direction of the voice.  A couple of the vampires used to be in a musical band when they were still alive, so they play some drums.)

SPIKE:  Oh bollocks, I think they soddin' heard us.

BUFFY:  Good I haven't slayed anything in a while.

ANGEL:  Close the doors, we'll face them as they break it down!

(They manage to close the doors just as the vampires reach them.  They draw their weapons.  The vampires break down the door.  The scoobyship shoot them with their crossbows.  A huge, hulking creature enters the chamber.)

DAWN:  Get out, get out, GET OUT!

XANDER: What the heck is that?!

GILES:  Quickly we must research.

(Giles takes out his books and the scoobyship look through them as the creature waits patiently.)

ANYA:  Olaf?  Is that you?  No need to research.  It's Olaf, my troll ex-boyfriend.

BUFFY:  That's a relief cause for a second I thought we were going to have to battle…

ANYA:  The one who hates me because I turned him into a troll.

OLAF:  Anyanka, long time no see.  Fraid we won't get much time to talk on account on me having to bash your brains in and all.

SPIKE:  Ha!  That's where you're buggered troll!  Most of these people don't have soddin' brains to bash in.

(The troll raises its hammer and attacks.  A really cool, well choreographed battle takes place.  The scoobies attack but they all get knocked away.  They attack some more but get the crap beaten out of them.  They're slow learners so they attack more, and get their asses kicked some more.  Buffy attacks with a lance.  The troll stabs her with that lance, but luckily Willow conjures up some Mithril armour for her just in time.)

GILES:  The hammer Buffy!  The troll can only be beaten by its own hammer!

(Buffy grabs hold of the hammer and whacks the troll something mighty.  The troll's eyes roll back in its head, little birdies appear above it, and it collapses.  Right on top of Spike.  Bet you thought it was going to be Dawn again.)

BUFFY:  Yes!!  Score, Buffy 1, troll zippo!

(Buffy raises the hammer again to finish him off.)

ANYA:  Wait!  Don't kill him.

BUFFY:  There'd better be a damn good reason for me not to.

XANDER:  Of course there is, tell them An.

ANYA:  I think I still have feelings for Olaf.

XANDER:  See…WHAT?!  

ANYA:  Come on, look at him.  He's totally hot.

XANDER:  He's a troll!

ANYA:  And what a troll.  Those huge muscles, horns…

XANDER:  I can't believe I'm competing with a troll.

GILES:  I can't take any more of this.  Somebody kill the troll just to shut those two up.

(Buffy brings the hammer down on the troll.  There is a big Kersplunk.)

BUFFY:  Troll's dead.

ANYA:  Pity.

DAWN:  You don't seem all that broken up about it.

ANYA:  Boyfriends come, boyfriends go, plenty of other fish in the sea.  Anyway, I've got Xander.

XANDER:  After what you just said about that troll you expect me to act like everything's peachy between us?

ANYA:  Yes.

XANDER:  You're right.  Let's make out.

SPIKE:  Cld smby pls sddn gi me oa fr una hea?

GILES:  I'm tempted to ignore this, but Spike is stuck under the troll.

BUFFY:  Don't worry Spikey poo, I'll save you from suffocation.

GILES:  Vampires don't breathe, he can't suffocate.

BUFFY:  Spike is trapped and all you can think about is a minor technical detail like that?!  How can you be so cold?

GILES:  I'm not being cold, I'm simply saying he is in no danger.

(Buffy lifts up the troll and pulls Spike out.)

BUFFY:  Oh Spike, I almost lost you.  I hate you, you're disgusting.

SPIKE:  Blimey, I aint going anywhere Summers.  Now kiss me.

GILES:  There's no time for that sort of thing, the vampires will resume their attack any second.  We've got to get out, now!  They'll suck our blood if they find us, we'll become dried up husks!

SPIKE:  I think you're a good bleedin' way to being a dried up husk already.

(They run, chased by hordes of vampires, who for some reason all seem to attack one at a time.  They are surrounded.  The vampires sneer and hiss.  Then they scream and run away.)

BUFFY:  I knew they couldn't take us on.

ANGEL:  Uh Buffy?

SPIKE:  They're soddin' scared.

ANGEL:  I don't really think…

WILLOW:  A big bunch of vampires against the nine of us and they run.  Fraidy cats.

ANGEL:  I think the reason they're running…

DAWN:  Oh we're ugly, mean vampires, and we're so strong and powerful.  Help, here come the stupid Slayer and her supercool sister and their sidekicks, we're so scared.

ANGEL:  Listen guys…

XANDER:  That's right, run away to your vampire mommies.  I'll do a victory dance.

ANGEL:  Shut up while I talk!!

BUFFY:  Angel, you were so forceful!

ANYA:  But you're usually so dull and colourless.

BUFFY:  Kind of turns me on.  How about you and I…

ANGEL:  There's no time for that.  Look over there.

(They turn towards Angel's pointing finger to see a huge winged fiery thing coming towards them, a whip in hand, sword in the other.  Xander screams and faints, but that's possibly from not having eaten anything for half an hour.)

GILES:  To the books.

(The fiery thing whistles the Hawaii 5-0 theme tune as the scoobies research this new creature.)

GILES:  Here it is.  This is a Balrog.  It's a terrible demon, who can't seem to be defeated in single combat.

(The Balrog advances.)

GILES:  It would be prudent to run.

ANYA:  But what about Xander.  We can't leave Xander behind.

ANGEL:  Quick, pick him up and carry him.

(They try.  They can't lift him more than an inch.  Willow casts a spell to make him thin again.  They pick him up and run.  The reach a chasm.  They run down to the bridge of the chasm.  Vampires attack and get dusted.  The bridge breaks.  The scoobies jump across.  They run some more.  They reach another bridge.)

GILES:  We'll never outrun the Balrog.  We have to face it.

SPIKE:  Good luck to you for that.

GILES:  I meant together, as a team.

BUFFY:  Willow, can't you cast a spell against that thing?

WILLOW:  There is this one "Save us from the Balrog spell", but it needs Waxroot, and I've sort of run out.  Tara and I needed it for an uh…important spell.

ANYA:  We could always leave someone behind, and while the Balrog is distracted, make our escape.  Like Giles.

GILES:  That's possibly the most heartless, callous, cold suggestion I've ever heard.

ANGEL:  I like it.  Maybe you can weave around a little bit, give us some more time to get away.

BUFFY:  Bye Giles, we'll really miss you.

(The rest of the scoobies run across the bridge leaving Giles standing in the middle of the bridge.  The Balrog appears.)

GILES:  What on earth am I going to do?  A simple, yet devastatingly handsome and intelligent watcher like me facing a Balrog.  I have heard music calms the savage beast, perhaps I should sing to it.

(Giles takes out his guitar and begins playing.  The Balrog has reached the bridge.  Giles sings.  The Balrog stops.  Its face is contorting.  It puts its hands over its ears.  It gives out something that has to be a Balrog scream.  It jumps off the bridge.)

SPIKE:  I think Giles' soddin' singing caused the Balrog to commit suicide.  Can't say I blame it.

GILES:  And you thought your old watcher couldn't do it.

(But as the Balrog tumbles down, its whip lashes out and catches Giles' foot.  He slips and grabs onto the bridge.)

GILES:  Fly you fools, fly!

WILLOW:  Ooh goody, I've always wanted to try that particular spell.

GILES:  Not literally you twit, I mean fly as in run awAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSPLAT.

BUFFY:  Giles!

ANGEL:  We should listen to his advice and get out of here.  

TARA:  H-how?  He was the only one of us with any sense of direction at all.

ANGEL:  It's not too hard.  The exit should be thataway.  Or maybe over there, or there.  Could also be there.

DAWN:  Ooh, can I say the line Spike?

SPIKE:  Go right ahead.

DAWN:  Oh shite, we're buggered.  There.  How cool was that?

(Thanks to Angel's innate sense of direction, and a spell by Willow, they manage to find their way out.  Most of the group are tearing up.)  
  


BUFFY:  Not Giles!  Why Giles?

ANGEL:  I know it's a tragedy, but we've got to be strong.

BUFFY:  You don't understand!  I gave him my $2000 Prada boots to carry!  Waaaah!

WILLOW:  Poor Giles, what a way to die.  Splatted like a great big English pancake.

ANGEL:  It wasn't a bad way to die at all.  He died to save _us_…hmmm, I see what you mean.

SPIKE:  What a waste.  Imagine all the soddin' blood when his head hit the ground.

ANGEL:  We can't stay here mourning him.  We've got to get far away from here before nightfall.     

XANDER:  But he was our leader!

ANGEL:  Co-leader.  What about me?

(The others stare at him and start laughing.  Angel glowers.)

ANGEL:  Well anyway, I'm the leader now.

SPIKE:  Great.  Our bleedin' chances of survival just dropped 50%.  

DAWN:  So did our IQ.

ANYA:  One good thing could come out of Giles' death.  Did he have life assurance?

XANDER:  So brand new fearless leader, where to next?

ANGEL:  We must go to LothL'oreal, a forest realm ruled by an enigmatic Elvish witch.

TARA:  Ooh, is she gay?

WILLOW:  Tara!

TARA: Oh puh-lease, tell me you weren't thinking the same thing.

ANGEL:  Come on, we have no time to shed tears.

SPIKE:  Blimey mate, let them have a good cry.  It's a dramatic moment.  Gives them an chance to show off their bloody acting skills.

ANGEL:  What acting skills?  Onwards to L'oreal.

(Closing credits.)


	4. Row, Row, Row your Boat

Part Four

Previously on Buffy:

(The scoobyship go through the mines of Moria, which has been overrun with vampires.  So overrun, they don't meet any until their last day.  Xander and Anya find out how difficult it is to have sex in complete darkness.  Willow and Tara discover the pleasures of not being able to be seen by the censors.  Buffy, Spike, and Angel discover the pleasures of a threesome.  Giles remains sexually frustrated, until he is killed by a Balrog.  Faith doesn't appear the entire episode and is pissed.)

FAITH:  I'm pissed.  I didn't appear in the last episode.  Somebody's going to pay.

(She slays an indiscriminate extra who is feeding her grapes.  A vampire walks in.)

VAMPIRE:  I have news mistress.

FAITH:  Tell it to me.  And don't call me mistress, only Giles is allowed to call me that during one of our sessions.

VAMPIRE:  Giles is dead.

FAITH:  What?!  Hell no, no more happy with the watcher.  

VAMPIRE:  The others escaped us however.

FAITH:  So B and Angel and Xander and Red and co are still alive?  Wicked cool, maybe I'll get to have some fun after all.  

VAMPIRE:  There is also a problem with the vampire breeding programme.

FAITH:  My plan to create a super vampire, with the strength of a normal vampire yet the ability to walk around in daylight?  What's up with it?

VAMPIRE:  We managed to cross humans with vampires, but sort of got the opposite.  A vampire with human strength and only able to walk around at night.

FAITH:  How the fuck am I going to have my final showdown?  I was planning on sending my supervamps to face the scoobies in a climactic final action scene.  Now what do I have?

(A pamphlet floats down from the sky.  Faith takes it and reads it.)  

FAITH:  Sunnydale Foundation for Diseases of the Skin…blah blah blah…Dangers of the sun…blah blah blah…safety first…blah blah blah…

(Her mouth twists into a sardonic smile.)

FAITH:  Sunscreen, hey?  Thanks Angel, talk about poetic justice.  You've just signed your own death warrant…well, you could if you weren't already dead.  Annoying vampire minion, give all the other annoying vampire minions tubes of sunscreen.  

VAMPIRE:  Must I send them out after the scoobyship?

FAITH:  No, I'll be leading them myself.  If you want something done right, get Faith to do it for you.

VAMPIRE:  But you are Faith mistress, is there another Faith?

FAITH:  It's called the third goddamn person.  Does a diet of blood make you lose braincells faster?  To steal another character's line, get out, get out GET OUT!

(The vampire bows and turns.  As he is about to leave, Faith fast as lightning is behind him and dusts him.)

FAITH:  These stupid vampires would be driving me insane if I was sane to begin with.  Shit, look at all this dust!  I really need a maid.  Maybe when I beat B, I can get her to vacuum in one of those little French maid's outfits.  This is great, I'm really getting some good airtime here, finally!  Somebody's figured out that bad girls are so much more interesting than…

(Back to the scoobies.  They have just arrived at L'oreal, and are stealthily sneaking through the forest.)

DAWN:  EWWWWWW!!!  That is SOOO gross!

ANGEL:  Shh, we're supposed to be silently creeping through these woods.

DAWN:  But I just saw the biggest bug, it was HUGE!  I mean, it was like this big!

BUFFY:  Dawn, if you don't shut up I'm going to get Willow to turn _you_ into a bug.

WILLOW:  Goody, I always wanted to try that spell out.

ANGEL:  Buffy wasn't being serious.

BUFFY:  Wasn't I?  Cause the name Dawn the dung beetle sounds so right to me.

DAWN:  I also got a great name, Buffy the butter…bee…barfbug!  That's it, Buffy the barfbug!

BUFFY:  There's no such bug, is there?

XANDER:  If Giles was here, he'd know.  

SPIKE:  Yeh, what a bloody stick up his arse anal retentive he was.

ANGEL:  Does nobody know what stealthy means around here?

SPIKE:  We aint making much noise at all, that soddin' shirt of Xander's louder than all of us combined.

ANYA:  I'll get rid of Xander's shirt if anyone wants.  And his pants.  And his underwear.

(Spike's face contorts, though not in a vampirey way, at the image of Xander naked.)

SPIKE:  Somebody stake me now.

XANDER:  Happy to oblige.

ANGEL:  Let me say this slowly, shut up.

XANDER:  But…

ANGEL:  Zippit!

XANDER:  Hold on…

ANGEL:  Zip-it!

BUFFY:  Hey that reminds me of Oz.  How is he?  
WILLOW:  Same old, same old.  Still a werewolf unfortunately.

(Willow catches Tara's eye.)

WILLOW:  Not that I mind since I'm now with a girlfriend I love very much.  Being gay and all.

ANGEL:  It's strange how things change.  When I was human, gay had a completely different meaning.  Gay was good.  

(The two very powerful gay witches glare at him.)

ANGEL:  Not that there's anything wrong with that now.  But back then, people liked being gay.

TARA:  I like being gay.

ANGEL:  If you had a smile on your face, people would come up to you and say "You're looking very gay today my good sir".  And you would answer "Yes my good sir, I am indeed gay".

(Angel is nostalgically looking back on the days when he was a human drunk loser.  Luckily there is no flashback.)

ANGEL:  Of course gay people weren't called gay back then.  They were perverted sods, and unnatural tools of the devil.  They'd be burnt alive, alongside the heretics, witches, unmarried women, peasants who didn't know their place, and just about anyone who had any independent thought.  Ah, the good old days…

(Lost in his daydream Angel doesn't notice the group of heavily armed elves sneaking up on him.  One of them points his bow at his ear.)      

ELF:  The pointy-haired one makes so much noise we could have shot him in the dark.  

SPIKE:  True, but then with Dawn's hair around, you probably could've soddin' shot us in the dark anyway.

ELF:  We must take you to our queen.

(They are lead through the forest until they reach the queen's domain.  They are taken to a clearing.  There they face the Elf Queen.  She is strangely beautiful and wears a very skimpy silvery outfit.)

ELF:  Queen Cordelia, ruler of LothL'oreal.  

(She fixes them all with a steady gaze.  The scoobyship shift uncomfortably.  She almost seems to be seeing their innermost thoughts.  Suddenly Spike starts crying.)

BUFFY:  Spikey, what's wrong?  Are you getting images of what's happening in your homeland?

SPIKE:  No, it's her bleedin' hairstyle.  I never imagined anything could look so awful.

CORDELIA (VO.):  Buffy, Buffy…

BUFFY (VO.):  Holy shit, I'm getting voices in my head!  I knew I shouldn't have eaten that fungus in Moria.

CORDELIA (VO.):  Do not be afraid Buffy, it's me Cordelia.  I am showing off my flashy magic powers by communicating telepathically.

BUFFY (VO.):  Telewhat?

CORDELIA (VO.):  Mind to mind.

BUFFY (VO.):  When did you suddenly become so smart?  
CORDELIA (VO.):  When they gave me the part of wise queen, OK?  I've got to be smart for this role.

BUFFY (VO.):  Must be a big leap.

CORDELIA (VO.):  I'll ignore that.  I might've formerly had a bitchy comeback to that, but I've grown and advanced since the first few seasons.  

BUFFY (VO.):  You mean you've gotten more boring.

CORDELIA (VO.):  How do you think you'd get hanging around Angel all the time?

BUFFY (VO.):  I sympathise.  The guy's great for a hump, but he's not exactly Mr Interesting.  Heck, _Tara _has more personality than him.  Unless he's evil.  Mmm, evil Angel…

CORDELIA (VO.):  Amen to that.  Listen, I'd love to stay and mindchat, but I've got to invade the heads of the other scoobies.

(Cordelia moves on.)

CORDELIA (VO.):  Xander…

XANDER (VO.):  Don't worry stomach, I'll eat right away.

CORDELIA (VO.):  It's not your stomach, it's your head.

XANDER (VO.):  I'll get Anya right away.

CORDELIA (VO.):  Your _other_ head.  The big one on top.

XANDER (VO.):  Oh.  That's a first.

CORDELIA (VO.):  It's me Cordelia communicating mind to mind.

XANDER (VO.):  Mind to mind?  Does that mean you can see what I'm thinking?

CORDELIA (VO.):  It's sort of necessary.

XANDER (VO.):  Mustn't think about sex.  Must NOT think about sex.  Sex.  Help.  Anya naked.  Buffy naked.  Willow and Tara naked.  Willow and Tara naked together.  No, help.  Anya, Buffy, Willow and Tara all naked together, me in the middle.  Cordelia naked.  Please stop thinking about sex.  Anya, Buffy, Willow, Tara and me naked together, Cordelia holding whip.  Spike naked.  Oh stop me.

CORDELIA (VO.):  Ewwww!  Xander!  I'm not staying in _your _mind!

(Afterwards the scoobyship is shown to the clearing where they will sleep.  In the middle of the night Buffy is awoken by a strange sound.)

BUFFY:  Who the hell is snoring so loud?

(She cannot get to sleep so she decided to walk around looking for something to slay.  She sees Cordelia wandering around.  She follows her.  They come to a clearing and Cordelia pours some water into a basin.)

BUFFY:  I'm all for the whole washing, cleansing and toning routine, but isn't it a bit late?

CORDELIA:  This is the Fountain of Spoilers.  Anyone who looks into its waters sees what has happened, what is happening, and what may yet come to pass.

BUFFY:  You're so longwinded, you're sounding like Giles. Just say the past, the present, and the future.

CORDELIA:  Critical much?  I'm supposed to use language like this, I'm a mysterious type person.  Now how about looking into the fountain?

(Buffy gazes down into the waters of the fountain which begin to ripple and swirl.  Images appear, terrible images:  Buffy getting her ass kicked, Buffy breaking a nail, Buffy getting captured and wearing rags, Buffy's hair all mussed up…oh and her friends and family dying and in slavery and stuff.)

BUFFY:  The future is horrible, my skin is just so dry!  Can I stop this awful future from taking place?

CORDELIA:  Your mission rests on a knife edge, the slightest sway and it can fall either way, success or defeat.

BUFFY:  So what's new?  That happens to me every season.

CORDELIA:  The scoobyship is breaking.

BUFFY:  Not surprising, look who's in the scoobyship.

CORDELIA:  But while some survive, there is still hope.

BUFFY:  Weren't you supposed to say all this stuff earlier when everybody was here?

CORDELIA:  You're ruining my one big scene here!  Unlike you, I don't have scenes every five minutes.  I've got to make the most of this cameo.

BUFFY:  Maybe if you had stayed bitchy instead of turning into Mother Theresa, you might've gotten a bigger role.  

(The old Cordelia might have had a great comeback, but _Angel_-ified Cordelia is too calm and serene for that.  She ignores Buffy and continues.)

CORDELIA:  He will try take the Ring from you.

BUFFY:  Who?

CORDELIA:  You know of whom I speak.

BUFFY:  Not really.

CORDELIA:  Oh come on, you do know.

BUFFY:  No who?

CORDELIA:  SPIKE, YOU BRAINLESS BLONDE BIMBO!

BUFFY:  So much for the whole calm and mysterious Elf princess thing.  

CORDELIA:  Work with me here, OK?

BUFFY:  Can I wash my hair in the fountain?

CORDELIA:  No, it's an object of great power and value, of course you may not wash your hair in it.  You don't wash your hair in fountains that give visions.

BUFFY:  How's it do that anyway?

CORDELIA:  I sort of transferred my mind-numbing visions to the fountain.

BUFFY:  How?

CORDELIA:  I um, washed my hair in it.  I thought they were only passed on by kissing, so sue me.

BUFFY:  A lot of times ancient texts just don't reveal that sort of thing.

CORDELIA:  On the plus side, I'm saving a fortune on aspirin.  On the not so good side, playing the lottery's a lot harder.

(Buffy is getting bored and realises she's losing a lot of kinky time with Angel and Spike by talking to Cordelia.)

BUFFY:  Wow, look at the time.  The episode's just flashing past.  Got to go.

CORDELIA:  But what about my scene?  Is this all I get?

BUFFY:  You want more?  I'm bored of this storyline.  You want to take the Ring?

CORDELIA:  You offer it to me freely?

BUFFY:  No-one's stopping you paying if you want.  I'm sure Anya would be thrilled.

(An ethereal golden light engulfs Cordelia as she spreads her arms wide.)

CORDELIA:  Than you would not have a Big Bad, BUT A QUEEN, NOT DARK BUT BEAUTIFUL IN HER TERRIBLENESS!  AND PEOPLE WOULD BOW TO HER, AND WOULD WORSHIP HER, AND GIVE HER GIFTS AND PRAISES!  IT WOULD BE LIKE HIGH SCHOOL, ONLY BETTER!!!

BUFFY:  Glad to see there's still some of the old Cordelia left.

(The golden light fades and Cordelia returns to normal.)

CORDELIA:  I have passed the test.  I managed to resist the Ring.

BUFFY:  Cordelia passing a test?  You really have changed, haven't you?

CORDELIA:  You must go.  The climactic final scene awaits.  I won't be there.

BUFFY:  Why?  Where will you be?

CORDELIA:  Calling my agent.  This part really sucks?  What if this is my last line?

(The next morning the scoobyship say goodbye to the elves and LothL'oreal and row their boats down the river Celerybrant.)

ANGEL:  It's good to be on the water.  I've always liked the water, crossing the ocean stowed away.  I love seafood.

SPIKE:  Sailors always have bleedin' tasty, I've got to admit.

XANDER:  This calls for a rousing rendition of Row Your Boat.  All together now:  Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream…

DAWN:  What are you, like seven?

XANDER:  This from someone who has the emotional maturity of a three year old. 

ANGEL:  Guys calm down, we're all on the same team here.

BUFFY:  If only Giles was here.

ANGEL:  So he'd be able to stop the insults?

BUFFY:  No, so he'd be able to make some really scathing witty insults.  These ones suck.

DAWN:  Boogerboy.

XANDER:  Poophead.

SPIKE:  Blimey, where's the soddin' humour gone?  Where's the brilliant one-liners and verbal sparring?

BUFFY:  Duh, it's fanfic.

(Anya is looking a little green.  No not her hair, her face.)

ANYA:  Can we park on the bank for a second?  Better yet, can we leave the boats and walk?

ANGEL:  When we say bank, we don't mean the First National kind?

ANYA:  I know, I'm not dumb.  I'm just feeling a bit nauseous.  Like I'm going to vomit.

BUFFY:  Now that's a mental image right up there with Mom and Giles having sex.

DAWN:  Mom and Giles had sex?!  Oh my God, I think I'm going to need major psychological help to get over this!

BUFFY:  You get over it.  Just like that time Mom hit on Xander.

DAWN:  Mom hit on XANDER??!!  That's as bad a thought as something like…like…I don't know, you and Spike having sex.

BUFFY:  Who told you?  It was supposed to be a secret.

DAWN:  AARRGHHH!

TARA:  I think you should stop talking before you t-traumatise Dawn for life.

ANYA:  Dawn?!  I'm the one who's sick here, not Dawn.  Me.  Anya.

DAWN:  Shut up, they're actually paying attention to me!  They're focusing on my problems, on my…

WILLOW:  So Anya, do you think it could have been something you ate?  There was the shrimp the elves gave us for breakfast.  Maybe it was bad.

BUFFY:  But Xander ate two buckets of those shrimps and he's fine.

SPIKE:  Oh for sod's sake, she's bleedin' seasick.

XANDER:  Shows how much you know, we're not on the sea.

SPIKE:  We don't need to be on the sea you wanker.

DAWN:  What's a wanker?

BUFFY:  It's an English food that you eat with mash.

SPIKE:  That's bangers you twit.  A wanker's a sort of a mild swearword for a guy who…

BUFFY:  Swearword?  Cover your ears Dawn.

DAWN:  No, I want to hear Spike's explanation.

BUFFY:  You're too young.

DAWN:  That's so unfair, when you were my age you were already screwing Angel.

BUFFY:  I was not!  And don't use words like screwing.  We're a family show.

ANGEL:  Family, that's a good one.

SPIKE:  So like I was saying, wanking is bleedin' jerking off…

BUFFY:  Spike, Ixnay on the ankingway.

DAWN:  I do understand Pig Latin you know.  Real Latin too.

BUFFY:  Where did you learn Latin?

DAWN:  I don't know, a watcher, two witches, a 1000 year old ex-demon.  Not that many places, I know.

BUFFY:  If you're so good at Latin talk to me.

DAWN:  Well, I don't remember everything.

(Buffy smiles triumphantly at Dawn who scowls and mumbles some Latin sounding words.  The aforementioned witches giggle.  Not the watcher, cause he's dead.  Not the ex-demon either because she's being sick over the side of the boat.)

BUFFY:  What did you just say?

WILLOW:  She just swore at you.

BUFFY:  Figures that'd be all the Latin a dirty little mind like that remembers.

XANDER:  Has anybody noticed my girlfriend puking?

SPIKE:  You really feel it was soddin' necessary to point that out to us, mate?  It's not exactly something to be proud of.

TARA:  I c-can't believe an ancient and powerful demon who's been around for over a m-millenium gets seasick.

ANYA:  When you've got almost unlimited power, you don't really need to sail much.  It's just a click of your finger and poof, you're somewhere.

WILLOW:  That's the life, no stupid mortal walking, just poofing.

BUFFY:  But imagine how short your average road movie would be.  Imagine _Thelma and Louise_.  They'd be at the bottom of the canyon in two minutes.

DAWN:  They wouldn't be at the bottom of the canyon.  They'd turn all the cops into sheep or something.  Duh!

BUFFY:  Sometimes I feel like you should be turned into a sheep.

WILLOW:  I would do it, but I'm running low on herbs.

ANYA:  Just once why couldn't someone have wished for a alternate world with no boats?  Ohhh, my stomaaaacccchhhhh!

ANGEL:  The boat's barely rocking, how can you possibly feel ill?  It's just a river.

TARA:  Being the n-nerd in the group now that Giles is gone, I have to ask something nerdy.  In ancient lore, aren't vampires supposed to be unable to c-cross running water?

SPIKE:  Bloody hell, you want to go and dig up some bleedin' ancient vampire lore?  We barely stick to the lore we do use, like walking around in daylight.  What next?  Stuffing coins in our mouths?  Having to count piles of bloody poppy seeds?

XANDER:  Mmmm, poppy seeds.

BUFFY:  Are poppy seeds even edible? 

ANYA:  Quiet when I'm in agony.

WILLOW:  If you want I can cast a spell to get rid of your seasickness.  Or better yet, to zap us forward several days in time.

TARA:  Will, I think there's something wrong with what you're d-doing.  All the magic you want to cast all the time.  It's going way t-too far.

WILLOW:  Why don't we just _forget_?

TARA:  No, I don't think we should j-just forget.

(Willow realises she's run out of that forgetting flower.)

TARA:  It's not good to use so much magic, so much power.  It's d-dangerous.

WILLOW:  What's not good is trying to stop an ass-kicking witch away from her magic.

TARA:  You s-see?  You're basically threatening me. 

WILLOW:  Not a threat, just a warning.

TARA:  You're out of control!  You've got to give up m-magic before it's too late.

(What could've been a potentially tense and dramatic moment is spoilt by the sounds of Anya violently throwing up.)

WILLOW:  I've never been more in control in my life.  You just can't handle the fact that I'm a more powerful witch than you are, after only a couple of years.  I didn't hear you complaining about my magic in Moria, with the Screaming Orgasm spell.

(The rest of the scoobyship stare at them.  Xander grins at the mental image.  He resolves to ask Anya about a threesome when she feels better.  The witches don't notice.)

TARA:  You've got to face the t-truth, you're an addict.  You _have _to stop!

WILLOW:  Who's going to make me stop?  Some spineless, stuttering, colourless wimp like you?!

TARA:  Look what the magic has done to you!  What you're saying!  I know you don't m-mean those things.

SPIKE:  Even though she's soddin' spot on.

(Tara hears this and proves it's not completely true by turning Spike's skintight black clothes into a Teletubbie costume.)

WILLOW:  Don't make me mad, bitch!

(Tara presses on regardless of the fact that Willow's eyes are turning black, and her hair is flying up.  This shows either an actual backbone or complete stupidity.  You decide.)

TARA:  Oh my Goddess, look at yourself Willow!  You're crazed with p-power!  Stop the madness, stop it now!

(Tara is suddenly flung into the water by an invisible force.  She screams for help as she sinks into the waters.  She disappears beneath the surface.  The water is still.  Until Anya begins puking again.)

DAWN:  You killed Tara!

WILLOW:  I…I…

DAWN:  Why??!  Why couldn't it have been Buffy?!

ANGEL:  The scoobyship is now down to seven.  Our mission must go on, regardless.

WILLOW:  What have I done?!  I killed my girlfriend!  I killed the woman I love!

BUFFY:  Is this the betrayal from within that Cordelia warned me about?

CORDELIA (VO.):  No you numnut, I told you, it's Spike!

BUFFY:  I must be on my guard around Willow.

CORDELIA (VO.):  Spike!  Spike, Spike, Spike…oh never mind.  Think whatever you want.

WILLOW:  Nooo, I've lost her forever.  There's nothing I can do, NOTHING!!

XANDER:  Except for the fact that you're a powerful witch who managed to bring Buffy back to life.

WILLOW:  Good point.

(Willow says something in Latin, not the same thing Dawn said though.  Some flying fish rise up out of the river, Tara holding onto their fins.  She is pulled into the boat.)

WILLOW:  Tara!  I'm so glad you're back, I almost lost you.

TARA:  I almost d-died.  If it wasn't for those magical flying fish you sent…Thank you Will, for using magic to save me.

WILLOW:  Tara, I'm sorry.  I'll never use magic again.  I promise.

TARA:  Oh Will, I love you so much.

(They smooch passionately.  The others all awwwww and clap, except for Buffy who is covering Dawn's eyes.  It is such a happy reunion that Willow conjures up some fireworks and singing birds.  Tara doesn't notice.)

SPIKE:  That give you any ideas Ringslayer?

BUFFY:  No!  I'm not remotely interested in Willow or Tara that way.

SPIKE:  I mean you and me.

BUFFY:  Oh.  Here?  In the boat?  That's a revolting thought from a revolting creature like you.  Later.

SPIKE:  We'll just cut forward to the next bleedin' scene then.

(They cut forward to the next bleedin' scene.  The scoobyship are on shore, in a clearing surrounded by ruins of statues.)

XANDER:  We're out of ice-cream, how long till we get to the Hellmouth?

ANGEL:  There is still a long way to travel, we have many episodes to go before the Hellmouth finale.  We must travel through a treacherous marsh, and then we must sneak into the Hellmouth undetected.  

SPIKE:  You mean I've got to put up with you soddin' wankers for much longer?!  With any luck a bleedin' army of vampires will show up and kill the lot of you.  Except for the Slayer of course.

BUFFY:  Oh Spike, you repulsive thing, you're all heart.

ANGEL:  He just threatened all of us, and he's all heart?  With judgement like that, no wonder all your relationships are failures.  You always date losers.

BUFFY:  I dated you.

ANGEL:  Except me of course.  I'm normal.

XANDER:  Yeah, a four hundred year old vampire who killed a whole bunch of people and is now looking for redemption.  How more normal can you get?

WILLOW:  Don't forget the whole Darla thing.

ANGEL:  You're telling me about normal relationships?  Your relationships have not exactly shone in the normal department.  I mean Willow's liked a werewolf, a robot, a witch who thought she was a demon, Xander…

XANDER:  Hey!

ANGEL:  And with Xander, it's been even worse.  A praying mantis, a homicidal Slayer, an ex-demon.

BUFFY:  Don't forget Cordelia.   

XANDER:  Come on?  What's wrong with Cordelia?

(Xander thinks about this.)

XANDER:  I see what you mean.

CORDELIA (VO.):  WHAT??!!  Take that dumbass!

(Xander is suddenly struck with a blinding headache.)

ANGEL:  We've got to set up camp.  Buffy, you should collect firewood.  Go alone so anyone can follow you and try to take the Ring from you.

BUFFY:  I'm on it.

(Buffy skips happily along whistling a merry little tune.  Probably knocked her head getting off the boat.  She twirls about, searching for twigs but finding few.  She uses her Slayer strength to uproot a tree and chops it with her trusty big axe.  A dark figure slinks behind her.)

SPIKE:  Bloody hell Slayer, isn't there enough deforestation in the world already?

BUFFY:  Spike!  You startled me.

SPIKE:  Yeh, funny how you can detect every demon and vampire when they're nearby, but when I come up behind you you're always bleedin' surprised.

BUFFY:  What do you want Spike?  Because you disgust me.  

SPIKE:  Foreplay already?  Blimey, that was quick.  I heard you were looking for firewood and I thought I'd help you out.  I've got some wood for you.

BUFFY:  You're sickening Spikey pooh.  I hate you my love.

(As Spike rips away her top the ring tumbles into view.  Spike stops and eyes the Ring like it's a glass of O-positive.)

SPIKE:  Bloody nice soddin', that Ring, cor blimey.

(Buffy clutches the Ring and steps back.  She glares suspiciously at Spike.)

SPIKE:  Don't do that you twat, I'm not thinking of taking your pissin' Ring.  It just inspires me to do something.

BUFFY:  Keep your filthy vampire hands away from it.

SPIKE:  I told you, I'm not interested in that Ring.  Buffy, I know I'm a vampire and thus your mortal bleedin' enemy, but…

(He goes down on one knee and takes out a diamond ring.  Well, cubic zirconium anyway.  OK, so it's diamante.)

SPIKE:  …will you marry me?

BUFFY:  I'm warning you Spike, you dare come near this Ring…

SPIKE:  Aren't you soddin' well listening?  I'm asking you to be my bloody for-better-or-for-worse wife!

BUFFY:  GET BACK SPIKE, NOW!

SPIKE:  Listen here you bloody deaf pratt.  I want to MARRY you.  I envision our lives together, sitting on the couch watching _Passions_ together, a little nibblet of our very own running around torturing small birds.  I mean, if soddin' Angel and Darla can have one, why can't we?

BUFFY:  I WARNED YOU SPIKE!!

(Buffy picks up the tree trunk and hits Spike in his tight, leather-covered nads.  Spike falls to the ground, clutching his bits.  Buffy puts on the Ring, turns invisible and runs off.  She sees a vision of a bunch of vampires wearing shades and sunscreen running towards them, led by Faith.)

BUFFY:  Oh my God, that's bad!  Faith's wearing the same knee highs as me!

(Angel shows up as Buffy becomes visible again.  He sees her worried expression and puts on his concerned face.  He then sees she's in her bra and puts on his happy face.  Incidentally these two faces look exactly alike.)

BUFFY:  Vamps, a bunch of them coming towards us.

ANGEL:  Uh huh, that's nice.

BUFFY:  Eyes on face and attention on what I'm saying.  Vamps, a few hundred of them on their way to _kill us all_.  

(Angel nods his head and continues to stare.  Buffy slaps him.)

BUFFY:  Snap out of it woman!  We're going to become walking happy meals if we don't get out of here.  

ANGEL:  But how did you lose your blouse?

BUFFY:  Spike evilly ripped it off and tried to take the Ring.  I kicked his ass though, his hard, tight ass…

ANGEL:  Uh Buffy?

BUFFY:  Hmmm?

ANGEL:  Didn't you say we were all going to get killed if we stayed here?  We've got to focus.

FAITH:  It's too late lovebirds.

(Cut to the rest of the scoobyship who are surrounded by vampires.  They smirk confidently until they realise the only people who can fight properly are not there.)

DAWN:  Vampires, hundreds of them!

WILLOW:  There's nothing to be afraid of.

TARA:  And they've b-brought giant f-frogs!

WILLOW:  Oh God, we're going to die!

ANYA:  We mustn't panic, if we panic we're completely screwed.

DAWN:  Are those bunnies behind them?

ANYA:  ARGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!  We're screwed, we're screwed, WE'RE SCREWED!!!

DAWN:  Plus, we're out of food.

XANDER:  Oh sweet mother of mercy, NOOOO!!!! 

ANYA:  Well Xander, you've always wanted a chance to show how manly you really are.  Here's your chance.  Protect us women.

XANDER:  Are you crazy?!  That's just what I say, I'm really a complete wuss.  Mommy!

ANYA:  With men like these, people still wonder why I became a vengeance demon.

DAWN:  What are we going to do?

(Take note how the vampires are giving them time to discuss this, and are standing patiently at the outskirts.)

XANDER:  What can we do.  We've got no options.

TARA:  Oh Goddess, we're f-f-fucked.

DAWN:  Tara!

TARA:  What?  You d-don't think I swear?

DAWN:  No!  You've got no backbone!  Stuttering is the best you can do.

TARA:  Dawnie, you know I l-like you, but shut up you whiny l-little toad.

(Tara turns Dawn's hair dull.  Dawn screams.  She takes out her shampoo and begins to vigorously wash her hair in the river.)

TARA:  Who's got no b-backbone now?

WILLOW:  Oh Tara, that was so cool!  

TARA:  You really think so?

WILLOW:  Definitely.  The way you spoke, the look in your eyes.  You are so sexy.

XANDER:  We're cornered by vamps, probably about to die, and you two are flirting?!  Have you got no shame?!  Get a grip, the both of you!

ANYA:  Oh Xander, that was so cool!

XANDER:  You really think so?

ANYA:  Definitely.  The way you spoke, the look in your eyes.  You are so sexy.

VAMP:  Uh, helloooo?  What about us?  Are you planning on standing there making googly eyes at each other all day?

XANDER:  Sorry, we'll be with you in a sec.

ANYA:  Don't be so pushy.  You do have all eternity to wait.

VAMP:  We've got better things to do than waste it waiting for you jerks.

WILLOW:  Like what?

VAMP:  Lots of stuff.  Like, um…I got it.  _Survivor_'s on tonight.

ANYA:  Ooh, did you see last week when they voted that cute guy out?

VAMP:  Of course, I never miss an episode.  I was sooo shocked.  It was like, Omigod, how could they do that?

ANYA:  Same here, he was the only one with any brains around there.

VAMP:  Who's going to find them food now?  They'll starve without him.

ANYA:  Not that I blame them.  I mean, look at the money involved.  For a million dollars I'd be willing to do anything.  Even eat freaky things like bugs and rotten fish and blood.  Mmmm, a million dollars.

VAMP:  Mmmm, blood.

XANDER:  Mmmm, bugs and rotten fish.

SECOND VAMP:  Isn't it sort of weird to talk to humans?  Don't play with your food like that.

VAMP:  Maybe if you ever bothered to talk to me, I wouldn't have to.

SECOND VAMP:  Don't start, I can't help it if I don't watch the same stupid TV shows as you.

VAMP:  It's not just that, you don't like anything about me.  Not the music I listen to, not my taste in clothes, not my hobbies, nothing.

SECOND VAMP:  That's so not true, I just have good taste.  

VAMP:  There you go.  It's not that we have nothing in common, it's that you put down everything I enjoy.  If I like it, it must be crap.

SECOND VAMP:  Can I help it if you have no taste?  I just point out the truth.  I call 'em like I see 'em.

VAMP:  You're such a snob, you know that?!

(While the vampire leaders are busy arguing, the scoobyship think of a way to end up not being dead.)

XANDER:  Isn't there anything we can do?    

WILLOW:  There is a spell I could cast to turn us all into invincible fighting machines.  But, since I've given up magic…

(She looks expectantly at Tara, who shakes her head.)

TARA:  No Will, you know you c-can't.  You are addicted to magic and I love you too much to s-see you use it.

WILLOW:  So you'd rather let us all die than have me use magic?

TARA:  Yes.

ANYA:  Tara, I've grown accustomed to being human, and needing human things like air, food, and most importantly money and sex.  I don't want to die yet.  So let Willow use her magic, or I'll throw you to the vampires myself.  

TARA:  You d-don't understand.  I have an idea.

ALL:  Yay!

TARA:  I'm also a witch, I can also use magic.  So I'll cast the s-spell.

ALL:  No!

TARA:  W-what's that supposed to mean?  

XANDER:  We just think you're a pathetic witch, that's all.

TARA:  I'll show you who's a p-pathetic witch.

(Tara casts the Invincible Warrior spell.  But as she's such a pathetic witch, they don't become invincible at all but slightly more warriorish.  This means helmets appear on their heads.)

ALL:  Attack!

(And on this cliffhangery note, the closing credits come up.  That's right, a whole week to wait until you find out whether the scoobyship survive or not.  Buwahahahahaha!  What a feeling of power!  I think I'm addicted to this writing thing.  I know exactly what's going to happen, while you foolish mortals are forced to wait AN ENTIRE WEEK!  Or you can just skip to the next section now.)


	5. Subtext? What Subtext?

Part Five

Previously on Buffy:

(At LothL'oreal the scoobyship meet the mysterious elf sorceress, but are disappointed to find it's Cordelia.  She reveals to Buffy her destiny but Buffy is too mesmerised by her hideous hairstyle to listen.  They float down the river, where Anya is seasick, Willow gets all evilwitchy, and Dawn whines.  Back on land, Spike proposes to Buffy who hits him where it hurts because she thinks he is after the Ring.  Faith and her minions show up and surround the scoobies.) 

(In a clearing are Buffy, Angel, Faith, and a group of about fifty vampires.)

FAITH:  Hey B.

BUFFY:  You!

FAITH:  Glad you're so happy to see me.  I expected antagonism.

BUFFY:  No angtanomism here, just plain old hatred.

FAITH:  Sorry, forgot to speak in words shorter than three syllables.  So how are things with you going?  Five by five?

BUFFY:  Besides you sending your henchmen to kill me?  Just great.

FAITH:  I knew you'd like it.  Gives you a rush, doesn't it?

(She glances down at Buffy's bra.)

FAITH:  Is it just me, or are your slaying outfits just getting skimpier and skimpier?

ANGEL:  No, just the plot.

BUFFY:  Why all the vamps?  Don't think you can handle me all on my own?

FAITH:  I just want a crowd.  Maybe they'll learn some real fighting when I kick your bony little ass.  I've given them orders not to attack you under any circumstances.

BUFFY:  You're all heart.

FAITH:  They've got the all-clear to attack Angel though.

ANGEL:  Oh crap.

(As the vamps rush Angel, Faith and Buffy circle each other, stakes in hand.) 

BUFFY:  Now we'll see who the ultimate Slayer is.

FAITH:  When I'm standing over your body.

BUFFY:  You mean my dead body?

FAITH:  Yeah whatever.  Point is you're going down.

BUFFY:  No you're going down.

FAITH:  We can take turns if you want.

BUFFY:  I hate you so much.

FAITH:  I hate you more.  You're always the number one, great Slayer.  The one I should've been.

BUFFY:  And you slept with my boyfriend.

FAITH:  Speaking of that, how great is it that Riley hasn't appeared in this fanfic.

BUFFY:  Thank God, I was worried he'd be like an elf or something.

(Naturally Riley jumps out of the forest.)

RILEY:  Buffy, I've arrived to help you.

(But as he runs towards her, a tree falls down for no reason on him.  He drags himself from under it.)

RILEY:  I'm OK Buffy, I'm coming.

(Five vampires attack him, but somehow he manages to defeat them and goes on limping towards Buffy.)

RILEY:  The thought of you makes me strong.  I'll make it.

(After surviving a whole lot more vampires, a deranged bunny rabbit, some freak lightning strikes, a pack of hungry wolves, and an insurance salesman, he arrives bloodied and bruised at Buffy's feet.)

RILEY:  I'm here Buffy.

(Happily, Buffy accidentally stakes him in the stomach.  She then accidentally stakes him in several more places.  Afterwards she accidentally beats him over the head with a nearby boulder.  Finally she accidentally kicks him in the river where he is devoured by some familiar Elvish piranhas.)

BUFFY:  That's the obligatory Riley bashing taken care of, back to business.   

(Buffy and Faith leap at each other, and a perfectly choreographed fight takes place.  There are many fancy moves and some really difficult stunts, so maybe Jackie Chan and Jet Li can do this scene, in wigs.)

BUFFY:  Tired yet?

FAITH:  No way, I'm just getting warmed up.

(More spectacular fighting.)  
  
FAITH:  *Pant* Ready to give up yet?

BUFFY:  Nu huh, *pant* I can go on kicking your ass all night.

(Several hours of progressively slower and less exciting fighting later.)

BUFFY:  *Pant, pant, wheeze*  You're *pant* history.

FAITH:  *Pant, gasp* You're the one who's…*pant, pant, pant*

(They swing weakly at each other.  Angel takes a break from slaying vampires and watches them.)

FAITH:  I'm going to *pant* show you the meaning of *pant* pain.  Then I'll *pant, wheeze* mercilessly kill all your friends.

BUFFY:  You're evil *pant, gasp* you know that?   

ANGEL:  No she's not.

FAITH:  Keep *pant* out of this *pant* you wooden *pant* freak.  I'm damn well *pant* evil.

ANGEL:  No you're not.  You're just someone who substitutes the lack of love and affection in her life with killing.  Everybody does it in one way or another, whether it's food, or sex, or alcohol, or shopping.  Your's just happens to be killing.  Then you put on this whole "I'm so evil" persona to mask the fact that you're really a scared, lonely girl.  

FAITH:  That's not *pant* true, I'm absolutely *pant* evil.

ANGEL:  It's difficult to admit the truth, but you know I'm right.  Buffy, what she needs is love, not more hate and fighting.  Her hatred is really a front for her love.  She really loves what she claims to hate.

BUFFY:  *Pant* Normally I would call that *pant* psychic crap…

ANGEL:  Psychological crap.

BUFFY:  But *pant* I can see Faith won't be able to *pant* last any longer so I'll show some mercy.

FAITH:  What she *pant* said.

ANGEL:  Let's all have a group hug.

(The three of them embrace each other tightly.  Their panting mysteriously disappears.)

BUFFY:  Angel, a group hug is not an excuse to cop a feel.

ANGEL:  I'm not.

FAITH:  B, I think this is the beginning of a long and beautiful friendship.

(But since, despite Angel's psychoanalytical bull, Faith is actually evil, she knocks Angel unconscious and pins Buffy to the ground.)

BUFFY:  Faith, how could you?

FAITH:  Very easily.  You're so damn trusting, it's sickening.  Now I'm going to take my stake and…is that a new fragrance you're wearing?

BUFFY:  It's called Eau D'sangue, glad you noticed.

FAITH:  You smell good.  Really good.  

(Faith's face is only inches away from Buffy's.  She raises the stake.)

FAITH:  Ready for it?

(She is poised to strike.  Cut to the rest of the slayerettes.  The vampires are running at them one by one.  The scoobyship are doing surprisingly well and actually slaying a few.  Very few.)

ANYA:  Oh shit, now we're really screwed.  They're bringing on the bunnies!

XANDER:  I can take on those bunnies any day.  I won't let some dumb rabbits…OOOOWWW, one's got my leg!!  Get it off, get it off!

DAWN:  Why did you people let me come on this dangerous mission anyway?!  I'm just a kid.

ANYA:  Yeah, you're always telling us how we don't treat you as a grown-up, but when the going gets tough it's with the whole whiny "I'm just a kid" thing.  Well welcome to the adult world!

WILLOW:  We're outnumbered!  We'll never make it!

(They are all about to become vampfood when Spike jumps out of the shadows and tackles fourteen vampires at once.)

TARA:  S-Spike!

XANDER:  We're saved!

(Spike manages to dust a whole lotta vamps.  Everybody is spurred on by his entrance and fight harder than before.)

DAWN:  Spike!  We are so glad to see you.  We would've been toast if you hadn't shown up.

SPIKE:  You know you can always count on William the bloody Bloody.  Where's Buffy?

XANDER:  She and Angel aren't back yet.   But you're here so we've got a fighting chance.

SPIKE:  Yeh whatever, cheers mate.

(Spike runs off back into the forest leaving the scoobyship with the many, many remaining vampires.  The scoobies whimper.  Cut to Faith who is about to stake Buffy.)  

FAITH:  Ready to die Buffy?

BUFFY:  Didn't you just ask that in the last scene?

FAITH:  No, I said something slightly different.  Now, time for some major heartburn.

BUFFY:  That's my line, don't steal my wisecracks.

FAITH:  Ready to get up close and personal with Grim?

BUFFY:  The guys who do fairytales?

FAITH:  No, the Grim Reaper.  You know, hood and scythe.  Chess game.

BUFFY:  Oh.  I get it except for the chess part.

FAITH:  Headline news, Slayer slain by Slayer.  There's alliteration for you.

BUFFY:  Look, are you stalling?  Why don't you just kill me already?  

FAITH:  Uh…OK, you asked for it.

(Faith raises her stake even though it's been raised for the past five minutes.  Buffy closes her eyes.  There is the whoosh and a thud as the stake slams down.)

BUFFY:  Weird, no pain.  Maybe I'm dead already.

(She opens her eyes to find herself still pinned down by Faith.  She turns her eyes sideways to see the stake embedded in the ground by her ear.)

BUFFY:  Either you really need contacts or…

FAITH:  I don't want to kill you B.  Not really.

BUFFY:  You could've fooled me with all the trying to kill me talk.

FAITH:  I guess I was trying to convince everybody and myself that I did want you dead.  But I've got to deal with it.  The truth.  I've been trying to convince myself otherwise, all those meaningless sexual encounters with men I felt nothing for.

BUFFY:  What the hell are you trying to say?  Spit it out?

FAITH:  Wow, it's so hard to say this, but B, I lo…

(At that moment Spike dives out of the shadows and tackles Faith.)

BUFFY:  Spike!!  You saved me!

SPIKE:  I soddin' well wasn't going to let this little tart kill you.  I bleedin' love you too much.

BUFFY:  Oh Spikey, you worthless piece of garbage, I love you too.

(They engage in a particularly smoochy kiss.)

FAITH:  I wasn't going to kill her you stupid Billy Idol wannabe.  

SPIKE:  What a load of bollocks that is.  You're only getting near her over my bloody dead body.

FAITH:  OK.

(She produces a crossbow from her knickers and shoots at Spike.  He looks down at the arrow protruding from his chest, and runs towards Faith.  She fires again hitting him in the shoulder.  He doesn't fall but continues towards her.  Another few arrows, and finally her falls to his knees.)

SPIKE:  Soddin' hell!  Run Buffy, take the bleedin' Ring.  The scoobyship's done for, go to the Hellmouth alone.

BUFFY:  But Spike, I can't leave you!

SPIKE:  Yes you soddin' well can!  The fate of the world's in your bloody hands as usual.  Save it you twit!

(Buffy heeds his advice and runs back to the boats just as Spike falls flat on his face.  Faith puts away the crossbow and prepares to give chase when a hand grabs her ankle.  It is Angel, who has regained consciousness.)

ANGEL:  You're not going anywhere.

(Another super cool battle, with Angel's vampire strength being pitted against Faith's Slayer strength.  But despite the fact that a Slayer should be able to beat a vampire any day, Angel forces Faith to the ground.  His sword point is at the tip of faith's throat.)

ANGEL:  This is for Giles, and Bill the pony, and Spike, and the endangered Black Rhinoceros, and Darla, and the Napoleonic Wars, and Cordelia, and Microsoft.        

FAITH:  What are you talking about?  I'm only responsible for Spike and indirectly Giles!  Not any of the other stuff, and Cordelia is still freaking alive!

ANGEL:  Somebody's got to pay for all that stuff.  

FAITH:  You can't kill me!  I'm supposed to be in the sequel!  I don't die yet!

ANGEL:  Hmm, you're right.  It's too early.  But I'm supposed to kill something heroically right about now.

FAITH:  I'll be right back with someone.

(She disappears into the trees for a few minutes and returns with a vampire.)

FAITH:  Angel, this is Phil.  He's agreed to be the leader of the vamps.

ANGEL:  Hey man.

PHIL:  Hey.  I always wanted to be a leader, all that power.  It's so cool.  I'll have like underlings.

ANGEL:  Glad you got your wish.  So should start the mortal combat now?

PHIL:  Mortal combat?  Faith didn't say anything about fighting you.  She just mentioned the underlings.

ANGEL:  Afraid it's also battles to the death with powerful adversaries.  

PHIL:  No way, I'm not that much of a fighter.  Faith, I don't want to be the leader anymore.  Faith?

(Faith is nowhere to be seen.  Phil swallows as he looks at Angel.  They fight for all of two seconds before Angel dusts Phil.  The climactic battle done with, we cut to the rest of the scoobyship who miraculously are still alive.)

XANDER:  We can't hold out much longer.  Unless something really unexpected happens now.

WILLOW:  Yeah, some sort of Deus Ex Machina.

DAWN:  Willow, no magic remember?

WILLOW:  Not everything Latin is magic

ANYA:  Right, some of it's just a pretentious way to show how smart you are.

XANDER:  Seriously hoping for something unexpected.

(Nothing new happens.)

XANDER:  At the last moment, someone shows up and saves us.

(Nothing.)

XANDER:  Someone saving us in the nick of time would be really good right about now.

(Nada.)

XANDER:  Oh shit, we're stuffed.

(Buffy appears in the nick of time.  The scoobies cheer.  The vampires scream.)

DAWN:  It's Buffy, we're saved! 

WILLOW:  Buffy, we're so glad to see you.  Without you we had no chance…

BUFFY:  Can't talk now.  I've got to run away with the Ring.  Bye.

(Buffy runs to the river.)   

TARA:  Uh oh.

XANDER:  Screw this, I'm not staying here to get slaughtered.  Buffy, wait up!

(Xander runs after her.)

ANYA:  Xander you coward, you're supposed to stay by my side and defend me!  Men!  Curse them all!  Not literally of course, cause I can't, but curse them!  Wait for me Xander, wait!

(Anya glances at his retreating figure and runs after him, doing what any smart, sane person would do.  It should therefore be noted that the other three stay behind.)

WILLOW:  If we stay here we face certain death.  We might stand a chance if I could only use my ma…

TARA:  No.

WILLOW:  What about poor Dawn?

DAWN:  Yeah, what about poor me?  Not looking forward to the whole blood transfusion thing here.

WILLOW:  Isn't Dawn worth using a bit of magic?

TARA:  Um…

DAWN:  Hey!

WILLOW:  One of us should escape with Dawn while the other stalls the vamps with magic.

TARA:  G-good idea.

WILLOW:  So since I can't use magic, you'll have to stay here and hold back the enemy.  

TARA:  H-hold on here a m-minute…

WILLOW:  Bye Tara, good luck!  Give the vampires hell.

(Willow and Dawn run into the trees.  Tara is left alone facing a couple of hundred hungry vamps.  They advance confidently, vamp faces on.)

TARA:  "No, don't use magic under any circumstances".  Me and my b-big mouth.

(At just the right moment, Angel leaps out of the forest like a well, guardian angel.)    

ANGEL:  I'm here in my gorgeous brooding self.

TARA:  Big whoopee.

ANGEL:  Don't I even get a "We're saved"?

TARA:  My expectations are too low f-for that.

ANGEL:  Well I'm here to save everybody…you anyway, from doom.

(He looks at the number of vamps.  Starts counting on his fingers.  Puts on what is probably his worried face.)

ANGEL:  Ah.  That's a lot of vamps.

TARA:  Is that the Angel equivalent of saying we're in big, big t-trouble.

ANGEL:  Ah.

(Just in the nick of time (one of many nicks of time anyway) a figure comes running out the forest.  It is…another vampire!)

NEW VAMP:  Guys, horrible news!

VAMP 1:  What?!  Has our leader Faith been defeated?

NEW VAMP:  Worse, Phil is dust!

VAMP 2:  Not Phil?

VAMP 3:  Please tell me it's a lie, a terrible lie!  Don't let Phil really be gone.

NEW VAMP:  I wish that were so, but it's not.  I saw him get dusted, I could barely hold back my emotions.

VAMP 4:  Oh God, noooo!  Not Phil, not poor, sweet Phil.

VAMP 2:  Why?!  Anyone but Phil!  I would rather die instead of Phil.

VAMP 5:  It's so hard to believe.  I mean, just half an hour ago, I was talking to him, laughing with him.  He was so…so…

VAMP 1:  Undead.

NEW VAMP:  Now he's just plain dead.

VAMP 6:  Poor Phil.  Did you collect his remains?

NEW VAMP:  Yeah, I remember how he always used to say he wanted to be sprinkled over the ocean. 

VAMP 4:  He was a lifeguard as a human you see.

VAMP 3:  Phil…Phil…waaaaahhhhhhh!!!

(Maybe it's the vampires' intense emotions or maybe it's their own intense stupidity, but Angel and Tara stay put.  Tara even hands one of the vamps a tissue.)

TARA:  Here.  I'm s-sorry for your loss.

VAMP 3:  Thanks.  It's just so hard to deal with it.

ANGEL:  Loss of a loved one can be very hard at first.  I sympathise, I really do.

NEW VAMP:  Bullshit!!  You killed him you bastard, you killed Phil…

VAMP 7:  You mean this is Phil's killer?!  This, this…thing?!

(A hundred tear-stained faces are glaring at Angel with hate.  Angel backs off a little.  It looks like it's about to get ugly when Tara casts a spell that actually doesn't suck.  An illusion of Phil appears.)

VAMP 5:  It's Phil!!!  We were wrong, Phil's not gone!

(As the vampires surround Phil, Angel and Tara take the opportunity to sneak away.  As they move away they hear a piercing scream.)

VAMP:  PHHHHIIIILLLLLL!!!!!!  Since when has he been see-through?!!

(Anyway, the scoobyship run around a lot trying to escape.  The vamps, drawn by the incredible gleam of Dawn's hair, capture her and Willow.  Anya in her 1000 years experience of not running, stumbles into a ditch where she is found later by Angel and Tara.  As for Buffy, she reaches the boats.  As she rows away from the bank, she hears a familiar voice cry out.)

XANDER:  Buffy, wait up!  I'm coming with you.

BUFFY:  No way Xander, you know how dangerous this all is?  It's a suicide mission, there's zero odds on me making it out alive, and I'm the Slayer.  What chance will you stand?

XANDER:  You're that concerned for my safety?

BUFFY:  That, plus I got hardly any food for the trip.  

XANDER:  True, but you hardly eat any food.

BUFFY:  Good point, but no.

XANDER:  I'm not leaving you.  I promised Giles I'd protect you, and that's what I'm going to do.

(Xander has gotten in the water and is trying to swim to the boat.  He is sinking.)

XANDER:  Buff…a little help here.

BUFFY:  Can't you swim?

XANDER:  Cramps…didn't wait thirty minutes after eating…glub glub glub…

(Buffy rows to Xander and pulls him easily into the boat.  He coughs and splutters.)

XANDER:  No chance of some CPR, I guess?

BUFFY:  Oh no.  I'm not pissing off a vengeance demon, ex or not.

XANDER:  Thanks for rescuing me Buff.  Now we're a team, ready to face whatever the big bad throws at us.  As long as we're together.  Is there a fishing pole in this boat?

BUFFY:  I wish Dawn was here beside me instead of Xander.  Having my sister around to protect seems more right somehow.

XANDER:  Looks like you're stuck with me.

(Somebody somewhere, possibly a vengeance demon or fairy godmother or something, hears this wish, and with a poofity poof, her wish is granted.  Scene changes.  Sitting in the boat with Buffy is Dawn.)

DAWN:  Huh?  What am I doing here?  A second ago I was in a cage, captured by vampires. 

BUFFY:  I think I made a wish which broke the laws of time, space and logic to bring you here.  I wanted you near me, to be able to keep an eye on you.

DAWN:  Oh no.

BUFFY:  Isn't being here with me a lot better than staying in the hands of those cruel and evil vampires?

(Dawn doesn't answer.)

BUFFY:  We've got to be at the Hellmouth before the world ends, so let's get rowing.

DAWN:  Rowing?  But I'm just a kid.  Anyway, you're the Slayer.  You've got slayer strength.

BUFFY:  You're right, I guess I can't ask a kid to row.  You sit back and try not to get in trouble.

DAWN:  Cool.

(As Buffy rows, Dawn puts on some shades, sunblock, and lies back.)

BUFFY:  Wow, who knew rowing could be so tiring.

DAWN:  Uh huh, could you try not to move the boat so much?  My tan'll be uneven.

BUFFY:  I'll try.

DAWN:  And could you not make such a big splash with the oars?  I'm trying to catch some zee's. 

BUFFY:  Sure, I'll do what I can.  I'm sure glad you're here with me.  My kid sister and me, together, on our whole save-the-world thing.

DAWN:  Could you not talk?  At all?

BUFFY:  Anything for my beloved sister.

(Scene shifts to a group of vampires, carrying a cage.  In it are a bound Xander and Willow.)

XANDER:  So anyway, then there was this poof, and here I was.  Buffy and the boat were gone, and you, the cage and the vamps were there instead.

WILLOW:  Weird.  I didn't even cast that spell.  I probably could if I only had some ingredients…Xander, do you have any newt's feet?

XANDER:  Must've left them in my other pants.

WILLOW:  So here we are.

XANDER:  Yup.

WILLOW:  You think the vampires are going to suck us dry, like prunes?

XANDER:  Probably.  But the bright side is we may be facing mortal danger, but at least we're facing it together.

WILLOW:  Together…I wish Tara was here to hold my hand.  That'd be really comforting.

XANDER:  Sorry Will, but it looks like you're stuck with…

(Scene changes.  Sitting in the cage with Willow is Tara.)

WILLOW:  Tara!  I'm so glad to see you.

TARA:  Same h-here.  You didn't cats any s-spells did you?

WILLOW:  Definitely not.  You know I'm going cold turkey with the whole magic thing.

TARA:  Good.  I'm p-proud of you sweetie.  How are we going to g-get out of here?

WILLOW:  I know this one spell, it's totally perfect.

TARA:  No magic.

WILLOW:  So again, you'd rather be stuck in a cage in the clutches of  cruel and sadistic vamps than have me use magic?

TARA:  I think you k-know the answer to that one.

WILLOW:  You know I love you honey, but you're an idiot.

TARA:  I choose to ignore that.  It's obviously the withdrawal s-symptoms talking.

(Scene shifts to the riverbank, where Angel, Anya, and Xander stand over a boat.  Lying the boat, looking very peaceful, with his arms across his chest, is Spike.)

ANGEL:  Xander?  Where'd you come from?  Where's the other one, the stuttering girl?

ANYA:  Who cares about her?  She's of no consequence now that Xander's here!

XANDER:  Glad to see someone appreciates me around here.

(They have a major make out session while Angel looks on uncomfortably.)

ANGEL:  Could you do that later?  When I'm not around?  

XANDER:  Are you uncomfortable?

ANGEL:  Couldn't you tell?

(Xander and Anya shrug.  They turn to the boat where Spike lies.)

ANGEL:  Should we have a small ceremony for Spike?

XANDER:  Should we?    

ANYA:  Could you all stop answering questions with questions?

XANDER:  Are we doing that?

ANYA:  Haven't you noticed?

XANDER:  How long have we been doing it?

ANGEL:  Shut up.

XANDER:  Thanks.  I guess we just needed to break the rhythm.

ANGEL:  So Spike, dead, ceremony or not?

XANDER:  Hell no.  I say we just dump his body in the water, laughing.  He was evil.

ANGEL:  Good, that's settled.  

ANYA:  I can't believe you two.  You're not going to give Spike a funeral because he was evil?  That's so…so…moralist!  Are you planning on dumping me down a ditch when I die cause I was a Vengeance Demon?

XANDER:  You're different.

ANYA:  Loopholes and excuses!  You people are all to willing to slay and kill demons and vampires.  But monsters are people too.  Angel, weren't you one of the meanest vampires around for four centuries?  And you Xander, didn't you feed on your school principal as a hyena?  Are you really all that different to that blonde vampire lying there?

XANDER:  Yeah, we're not British.

ANYA:  Spike may have been a killer and traitor, but he was one of the scoobyship.  He saved us many times, and was always willing to do battle for us.  He sacrificed his life for us!  Plus, he had great abs.

XANDER:  An!

ANYA:  Not that I don't find your beefy love-handles incredibly sexy.  But the point I'm trying to make is that Spike deserves a proper sending-off as much as Giles did.

ANGEL:  This must be a first, but you're making sense.  Spike died to save Buffy.

XANDER:  I'm kinda moved.  Anya speaking passionately about something other than money.

ANYA:  There's more to me than a fanatical love of money and sex.

ANGEL:  There's also the whole rabbit-phobia.

ANYA:  Don't mention those hellspawn.  You're ruining my deep and reflective mood.  

ANGEL:  Sorry.  Let's do this.

(They lower their heads I respect.)

ANGEL:  Today we are here to bid farewell to William the Bloody.  Dear friend…maybe not.  A good man…no, that's not right.  He…sometimes helped out the good guys.

(Spike's eyes open.)

ANGEL:  Death has taken him.  Well, death sort of took him a long time ago, but second death.

SPIKE:  Yeh, except I'm not soddin' dead, you wanker.

ANGEL:  Poor Spike.  One moment ali…undead, the next completely dead.

SPIKE:  Nope, still undead, right here.

ANGEL:  He will be missed.  Not by me…

XANDER:  Or me.

ANGEL:  …But by other people.  

SPIKE:  Bleedin' hell, I was poked by a few bloody crossbow bolts.  Not even through the heart.  I'm a VAMPIRE.  

ANGEL:  Time passes and all that stuff, so here we are.  Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

SPIKE:  Not soddin' dust!  That's the entire soddin' point.

ANGEL:  Goodbye Spike.  Wherever you're going, hope it's not too bad a hell dimension.

SPIKE:  Are you all bleedin' deaf?!  Cause you'll be the one going to a bloody hell dimension if you don't stop this bollocks.

(Angel pushes the boat away from shore.  It catches the current.)

SPIKE:  What are you bloody well all doing?!  Have you gone soddin' mad?!

(The boat drifts faster and faster, right to the edge of a gigantic waterfall.)

SPIKE:  You'll all bloody pay for this!!  When I get out of this bleedin' boat, I'll make sure you all suffer slow, painful, excruciating deaths!  You'rre soddin' dead, the lot of you!  Deeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…

(The boat goes over the falls.  Xander, Angel, and Anya raise their heads.)   

ANGEL:  OK, that's settled.  On to more important things.

XANDER:  Ooh, is it time to eat already?

ANGEL:  We have to rescue our friends.  Then we'll go to Gondork to help the Gondorkians against the vampire army.

ANYA:  The odds are already against those Gondorkians.  Do they really need us there to further screw up their chances?

(Much further down the river, a small boat is making its way towards the unknown.  It is dusk, as Buffy and Dawn move along the silvery waters.)

DAWN:  What a gorgeous sunset.

BUFFY:  Damn straight.

DAWN:  Wait, we're going off into the sunset?  Does that mean this story's finally finished?

BUFFY:  Yep.  It's over and done, finito.  

DAWN:  YES!!  Finally, it just went on for ever!  There's only so many dumb jokes and insults a girl can take.

BUFFY:  Pity we don't have some champagne to break out.  Non-alcoholic for you of course.

DAWN:  It's so totally cool.  You're not kidding?  It's really over?

BUFFY:  This part of the story is.

DAWN:  This part?

BUFFY:  This is just the first part of the trilogy.

DAWN:  Trilogy?  As in three?

BUFFY:  Right.  Two more parts to go.  We're going to have to have a whole lot more adventures before it's really over.  But it'll be great, just the two of us…

(There is a splash as Dawn dives into the water and swims away.)

BUFFY:  Dawnie?  Where are you going?  Get back in the boat this second.  I'm not kidding.  DAWN!!

(Closing credits.)

Hope you enjoyed it.  Like I said, it's my first, so I'd appreciate it mightily if you R&R now.  Well, you've R'ed already, so maybe just the second R.


End file.
